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Ok so who wants a story about how my parents are fucking weirdos 
It's a story about Christmas
And bowling.
It's a story about Christmas
And bowling.
In our family, we generally got one Big Christmas present and then some little stuff.
The big present was generally something we asked for, but not always.
One year we both got bikes, that kind of thing.
The big present was generally something we asked for, but not always.
One year we both got bikes, that kind of thing.
Additionally, my mother is a very big Christmas Person, you know the kind.
Like make you shop at every wee Christmas ticky tacky shop for hourssss
In JUNE
Like make you shop at every wee Christmas ticky tacky shop for hourssss
In JUNE
So my mom is very into the terrible tacky aesthetic of Christmas
(whatever, Christmas is tacky you know I'm right)
And part of that aesthetic is wrapped presents under the tree, as a part of the look
(whatever, Christmas is tacky you know I'm right)
And part of that aesthetic is wrapped presents under the tree, as a part of the look
Now my sister is an epically nosy bitch, like she would count the pennies in your piggy bank just because she needed to know how many where there
Like Molly is the reason we had to have an explicit and _frequently_ referenced family rule that you don't open other people's mail.
Like Molly is the reason we had to have an explicit and _frequently_ referenced family rule that you don't open other people's mail.
So these wrapped presents are basically unbearable for my nosy ass sister
She would spend HOURS under that tree, squeezing and prodding and shaking
Speculating and occasionally calling me in to tell me her theories.
She was like if Christmas had spoilers
She would spend HOURS under that tree, squeezing and prodding and shaking
Speculating and occasionally calling me in to tell me her theories.
She was like if Christmas had spoilers
This obsession is actually the most charming and consistent thing about my sister
And like this bitch was relentless.
My parents tried hiding presents all over the house, well you better believe Molly found that shit
And showed it to me.
And like this bitch was relentless.
My parents tried hiding presents all over the house, well you better believe Molly found that shit
And showed it to me.
At one point, I was like hey, I am done with Christmas spoilers because I like being surprised and also you are literally the worst actor I have ever seen
And after that... She would TRICK ME into looking at her spoilers.
That bitch, I swear
And after that... She would TRICK ME into looking at her spoilers.
That bitch, I swear
One year, she fucking planned a CAPER around the Christmas presents and then kind of... tricked me?? Into helping her??
Look.
Was I easy to trick?
YES. OBVIOUSLY.
Look.
Was I easy to trick?
YES. OBVIOUSLY.
She appealed to my love of puzzles by presenting this caper as a hypothetical question, like a riddle to solve
"Do you think there's a way to open a wrapped Christmas present and not have anyone know you did it?"
"Do you think there's a way to open a wrapped Christmas present and not have anyone know you did it?"
I think for a minute and make some vague suggestion about being careful unwrapping the paper
And she says- No, because it would tear
And I say- That's easy, you just slit the scotch tape with a knife
WELL FOLKS
THAT'S WHAT WE DID
And she says- No, because it would tear
And I say- That's easy, you just slit the scotch tape with a knife
WELL FOLKS
THAT'S WHAT WE DID
The GLEE that lit up in her eyes, she was like-- this is the last element of my now foolproof plan to heist a casino!!
And then when I was like, no I do not want to
She BLACKMAILED ME
And then when I was like, no I do not want to
She BLACKMAILED ME
This TEN YEAR OLD CHILD blackmailed me like she had twenty years in the mob
She already had the whole thing PLANNED, she didn't miss a single beat
(God, it is such a WASTE that she ended up choosing that damn cult *sigh*)
She already had the whole thing PLANNED, she didn't miss a single beat
(God, it is such a WASTE that she ended up choosing that damn cult *sigh*)
That was my least favorite Christmas up to then. It literally ruined the fun of it.
We both agreed to never do it again, it was SUCH a bummer.
Did that stop the squeezey prodding of wrapped presents?
No, reader, it did not.
We both agreed to never do it again, it was SUCH a bummer.
Did that stop the squeezey prodding of wrapped presents?
No, reader, it did not.
So one year, she brings me over to the presents and tells me that we each have a present that is weird.
Like big
And real real solid.
And heavy
And I poke around and confirm yeah. This is true.
Like big
And real real solid.
And heavy
And I poke around and confirm yeah. This is true.
So what happened is, as you have probably guessed--
Our parents bought us matching bowling balls for Christmas.
You know.
The hot new present for a 10 and 11 year old child.
Mix and match bowling balls and bowling ball bags!
Our parents bought us matching bowling balls for Christmas.
You know.
The hot new present for a 10 and 11 year old child.
Mix and match bowling balls and bowling ball bags!
DREAM IF YOU WILL A PICTURE
of an 11 year old child presented with a whole goddamn bowling ball!
AS THE BIG CHRISTMAS PRESENT!
But!! The balls had no holes in them, they drilled them to fit your hand.
of an 11 year old child presented with a whole goddamn bowling ball!
AS THE BIG CHRISTMAS PRESENT!
But!! The balls had no holes in them, they drilled them to fit your hand.
So what I have here is a very round and very heavy blue ball in a pink case
And Molly has the same, just hers is a pink ball in a blue case.
But without the context of-- being in a bowling alley or having asked for a bowling ball
WHICH I HAD NOT
And Molly has the same, just hers is a pink ball in a blue case.
But without the context of-- being in a bowling alley or having asked for a bowling ball
WHICH I HAD NOT
Without the holes in the ball where you put your fingers to do the bowling
Neither one of us understood that we were holding bowling balls
So we just stood there and we looked at each other and our parents are expecting us to say something
And the silence is just so LONG
Neither one of us understood that we were holding bowling balls
So we just stood there and we looked at each other and our parents are expecting us to say something
And the silence is just so LONG
And THAT!
Is how we found out that our parents had signed us up for league bowling
And please understand-- neither one of us had ever expressed an interest in bowling beyond having been like maybe twice before.
Is how we found out that our parents had signed us up for league bowling
And please understand-- neither one of us had ever expressed an interest in bowling beyond having been like maybe twice before.
My parents signed us up for literally anything that would get us away from them for an extended period of time
And I obviously know they are shitty bad parents, but the 4 hour long full mini-golf arcade go kart experience every Saturday was pretty awesome
And I obviously know they are shitty bad parents, but the 4 hour long full mini-golf arcade go kart experience every Saturday was pretty awesome
Most of the shit you can drop your elementary or middle school age kid at for hours on end on a Saturday is generally shit that is designed to be entertaining
Like, oh I can be entertained AND my parents are not here?
That was like a spa day for ME as a child.
Like, oh I can be entertained AND my parents are not here?
That was like a spa day for ME as a child.
My dad had the gall to get pissy because we didn't know they were bowling balls
And that's how I learned how to bowl.
And that's how I learned how to bowl.
If you enjoyed this story of holiday mayhem, please give my lil sis a follow! https://twitter.com/Artists_Ali/status/1321492690945642497?s=19
