Grab a cat and a mug of tea. It's storytime.

Something spooky weird happened Monday afternoon. And, it's why I came back to twitter loudly today talking up a storm and being silly with music. It's why I'm trying to force myself to unhide.

(attn: @TwitWittyVal and @drhoctor2 )

This is gonna be a long thread. And, it will, in all likelihood, be fully of typos. Y'all're just gonna have to live with the typos.

For this story to make sense, I need to layout some background information.

1. My headspace has been ultrashitty lately. The only time>

I'm ok is when I'm @ work. When I'm not focused on my students, it's been extremely grim inside my skull lately. This is the deepest I've been in my depression pit in a long, long time. And, the anxiety stuff has come screaming in @ increased volume. Things like getting>

2 blocks from home and being scared I left the bathroom sink running or didn't close and lock the front door and then having to turn the truck around and go back and double check (hence running the risk of being late for work). I'm either sleeping 12hrs straight or going>

3 days on bits and pieces that add up to maybe 5 hours of sleep. I have been massively fucked up lately.

I could list some triggers that have jacked things up for me hugely lately, but, frankly, I don't need to dwell on that list tonight. That would be dangerous. I'm gonna>

skitter away from that list right now and not brush up any closer to it.

Anyway, things came to a head on Saturday, and I panic attacked the fuck out. It was bad. Really bad. And, to make matters worse, it came with a massive amount of guilt because I chickenshitted out on >

a really special online event with my favorite band and its beautiful fandom community. Instead of being being a part of that hopeful, joyful event, I ended up curled up in a blanket nest in my bed and crying myself to sleep until a thunderstorm woke me up. >

I worked in a county school on Monday and had a long drive back in afterward. I'd had a good day @ work, but every mile, every minute, every thought after dismissal found me descending back into the muck and mire. Didn't help that I was tired and very hungry. Low blood >

sugar enhances (and sometimes full-on triggers) any anxiety mess I've got going on. (Skipping meals is a really, really dumb move on my part. *sigh*)

I had a few stops to make on the way home even though I really didn't have the energy for it. >

Background info bundle #2:
I've made no secret of the fact that I've been struggling to disentagle myself from religion. Back in the day, I was a super-active-in-the-church, woman-in-faith-leadership, super intense Christian chic. For decades. (Protestant. United Methodist.)>

Then I chose to become a convert to Reform Judaism. And, yes, to this day I still feel morally and ethically a Reform Jew.

But, observance? Religiosity? Some bruises don't heal. Some damage is permanent. Religion isn't faith. Religion is humans and their rules and their lies.>

I do NOT equate faith and religion. I hold these 2 as very separate things.

I am choosing to try to pull free of the tug of religion.

Faith? That's more complicated. I'm not an atheist. I could never be. But....

Y'all see me using GodTheUniverseEtAl a lot. That pretty>

much shows where I am on the subject. It's not simple @ all anymore. There's something? Not sure what or who? And, I certainly don't anthropomorphize whatever it is. These days, I tend to be more a Deist when it comes to GodTheUniverseEtAl and approach my personal faith>

from the angle of tikkun olam. My expression of faith is more an expression of ethics and morality aiming toward healing and justice, trying to participate in unbrokenness.

On bad days, I am, at best, agnostic.
On good days, I'm a little more my old self on the whole God topic.>

Let me also be very clear, on the subject of religion, that I have never been and never will be even remotely Catholic.
There's an indescribably huge pile of innumerable layers of NO piled on top of Catholicism for me. (Note that I only said "for me." Not judging anyone else.)>

Also, one of the most useful pieces of advice I've ever received was when Micah said, "Go ahead and scream at God. He can handle it."

I am so full of anger lately. It feels really, really, terribly gross. I can't stand being ate up with anger. Problem is, once the anger's spent>

all that's left is the debilitating sadness. And, y'all, that's been going dangerously badly lately. It's been ugly. Scary ugly.

Oh, wait! There's a background info bundle #3! Briefly. Remember a few weeks ago when I told the story about the wannabe nuns and the necklace?>

Here's that thread: https://twitter.com/WinterlightHome/status/1312520552301510656

I have to put this in here because that necklace plays a roll in this spooky, creepy, kinda scary Monday story. >

Turns out, that pendant from the wannabe nun is something called a Miraculous Medal. It's a Saint Catherine Labouré thing.
Here's the wiki on it: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Miraculous_Medal

Now, remember, I am in no shape, form, or fashion Catholic.

But, when I told that story, at 2 different >

times in 2 different settings, 2 different people told me that they thought I was the intended recipient of that pendant. And, I was all, "Nah. I'm just gonna be a conduit. I texted my priest friend. He'll know someone who believes in saints and would groove on that whole>

blessed-by-a-relic thing. This trinket isn't for me. I'm happily to be used to pass it along to someone who'll find genuine joy in it." But, I'd also said that if it never got claimed, I'd keep it in my treasure box.

A few days later, J texted back that *I* should keep the>

little, aluminum pendant.

And, as embarrassed as I am to admit this, I felt a little bit happy. I kinda like that silly, little trinket even though I don't believe in anything having to do with it. It just ..... feels good. This makes no sense. I'm aware. >

But, being the history geek that I am, y'all know I went down an internet rabbit hole reading about that saint and all the historical stuff surrounding the Miraculous Medal. (No Surprise Newsflash: It took 2 years and an epidemic before a priest finally listened to a woman.)>

I'm sure the number of typos in this thread is increasing tweet by tweet because I'm fading. The alarms in my phone start sounding in 5 1/4hr. Time to try to get some sleep. I'll finish this thread after work.

What happened on Monday was hairs-on-the-back-of-my-neck creepy!!!