Hey guys guess who’s foster brother sexually assaulted them again :,) I want to die

And uh, before anyone asks for context I’ll just say it. It happened once before right after we broke up (yes he’s my ex, long fucking story) and he claimed he felt bad and apologized and all that. My family did get involved that time

There was a power outage in my town one night and I’m terrified of the dark, so I asked him if I could stay in his room for the night. This was months after the first incident

I explicitly remember him grabbing me constantly, trying to cuddle me when I kept pushing him off. He claimed I was “cold” and was just trying to help.

I remember waking up multiple times to him touching me (yea, the bad stuff), and I remember the bed gently shaking. I was half asleep and petrified. I didn’t stop him. Why didn’t I fucking stop him.

In the morning I woke up and sort of forgot about it. I thought it was a bad dream, especially because I’ve had dreams like that in the past. But when I thought about it the whole day, it eventually set in and I couldn’t take it

I didn’t tell him I was awake. I just told him that I noticed some things and confronted him about it. He lied straight to my face. He told me he’d “never make that mistake again” and that he “wouldn’t hurt me like that”. I wanted to vomit

The worst part is that I can’t tell anyone. Not again. Last time it only caused drama within my family, made me feel like shit, and nothing changed. I want him gone, but I know that I’d be ripping him from his friends and his home if I did

I don’t know what to do. One day I feel suicidal, the next I just want him dead. I never act out on anything, but it’s an awful feeling. I’m tired of feeling scared of myself

I plan on showing my bf this thread or something instead of explaining it, so if you come across this, you can comment. I don’t mind advice or anything but I’m in a weird spot so I may or may not take it