man i was doing so good at writing my piece and then i had a cool fight with my dad and now i can't

i could go apologize and he will stop but i don't want to because that's just one more bit of pavlovian training that if he throws a tantrum he gets whatever he wants

like i can either lie and apologize and keep the peace or i can maintain my stand and we can fight all night and he'll just think i was being a bitch for no reason. a real lose lose situation

like he tried to have one of his "conversations" with me about the tension in our household and i was like. pretty pissed about it because he was being an asshole, so, in an ADMITTEDLY PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE way i was like

"i recognize that. i was just upset because i woke up today to you screaming at mom" which was true but like, yknow. & i couched it in the "him waking me up" thing to save his feelings a bit because the actual problem was "i don't like it when he yells at mom" but that won't fly

but now he's like all pissed that i derailed his "honest conversation" by talking about being woken up too early, which is NOT what i was angry about. so like, my options are:
- apologize falsely, letting him think his behavior will get him whatever he wants

- don't, fight all night and have him think i'm a selfish bitch
- confront him, with literally unknowable consequences ranging from "he accepts what i say and makes an effort for a few days" to "he throws something precious to me out a window"

the best part is i found this out by listening to him complain about me to mom. like he complained about me asking him not to yell at mom to mom, and like, it's not like she can defend me so she was basically forced to be like "you have a right to yell at me as much as you want"

disordered eating tw

i think the solution to this problem would be to stop eating for a couple days that would definitely fix it

i love to exert some tiny amount of control over my life

anyway i probably should have trigger warned this thread so like. parent stuff tw i guess