Thread by @flickerbucket, Sometimes, when I find that I'm not getting along with someone and [...]

Sometimes, when I find that I& #39;m not getting along with someone and it only seems to be getting worse and I just want it to stop... I apologize.

It& #39;s more strategic than anything. It& #39;s like a tactical retreat.

I& #39;m backing down because I don& #39;t want the conflict to escalate. Not necessarily because I think I& #39;m wrong.

It& #39;s well... I guess it& #39;s kind of cowardly.

Cowardly, yet also kind of manipulative. An apology can be quite disarming if you use it well. It can reset or reboot some relationships now that you& #39;ve allowed yourself to be seen as vulnerable.

In college, my roommate had a friend who was getting in my face and pushing my boundaries because he saw what a geeky, antisocial person I was. I don& #39;t know why he did it. The why doesn& #39;t really matter. Shiggles, probably.

This was frightening for me because I didn& #39;t feel safe in my own dorm room. He was physically imposing and he talked tough. He punched me once because I said "Your momma" when his mom happened to be dead, not that I knew.

Having him around made me anxious and scared and pissed, and it made it harder to get along with those I lived among.

I didn& #39;t see anything good coming from all this. It& #39;s not like I could fight the guy. He was preparing to join the military. I was preparing to watch cartoons.

The problem with the patriarchy is that it doesn& #39;t give men a whole lot of options in these kinds of situations. You either stand up for yourself or you& #39;re a loser.

That was when I remembered the good, old apology. I& #39;d tried it once before at summer camp, where once again I was the weird kid and the outsider. It worked. It deescalated.

So I apologized to this person I hated. This person who terrified me. This person who should have given *me* an apology. And it worked, at least in the moment.

It feels kind of dirty to employ an insincere apology. But I think all& #39;s fair when you& #39;re the underdog.

I& #39;ve even apologized on Twitter, when an argument with a larger account keeps on escalating.

Nowadays I don& #39;t think there& #39;s heroes and villains, bullies and victims. I mean... there are. But it& #39;s not the whole story.

In most cases, I think there& #39;s just people who get along and there& #39;s people who don& #39;t. People who understand each other and people who don& #39;t. People who communicate well and people who don& #39;t.

The refusal of either side to be vulnerable all but ensures mutually assured destruction (of discourse).

And I& #39;m the little guy. I don& #39;t need some large account to sic their hounds on me.

So I make a strategic withdrawal.

I thank the big account for engaging with me, I apologize if anything I said sounded hostile, I say he made a couple valid points, and I get outta there.

Usually things don& #39;t escalate from there.

It feels strange employing an apology strategically. Weaponizing vulnerability. But some of us don& #39;t have the strength or resources to fight. I know it& #39;s not "manly," but we& #39;re all just trying to get through life without getting beat up by our roommate& #39;s friend.

And although my apologies may have been insincere because I felt like I was in the right, they weren& #39;t *lies*. I would apologize for being weird, for getting angry, for things that actually happened. Because I too had a role to play in escalating the conflict.

I could cry "He started it" all I want. But it doesn& #39;t matter how it starts. All that matters is ending it. Maybe I was never able to solve these problems "like a man," but I figured something out. Eventually.

Is this justice? Is it fair that I felt like I had to sacrifice my masculinity to deescalate the situation? Is it fair that the person I felt had wronged me will never realize the error of his ways?

I don& #39;t know. Some people just don& #39;t get along. Some people trigger each other. Not always because they are bad, but because they are people.

I figure the first person to recognize they are being triggered and try to change the situation is the real winner.

The first person to realize the rules don& #39;t work for them, that they favor the other side and give them an unfair advantage, and to find another way... that person is the real winner.

It& #39;s easy to say you should stick up for yourself when you& #39;re the big guy. When you& #39;re a flabby child like I was, that is not viable.

We& #39;ve all gotta find a way that works for us.

So maybe I& #39;m not manly or masculine. Maybe I& #39;ll apologize when I don& #39;t necessarily mean it. It& #39;s my life and I need to survive just like everyone else.

I wish I was more courageous, though.

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