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Ironically, I'm doing better at coping in a healthy way with the decay of democracy in my country than I am at coping in a healthy way with the way people around me are responding to the decay of democracy in my country. I'm working on a theory as to why.
I think it boils down to the thing I'm constantly tweeting about on here, the necessity of a clear understanding of how levels of engagement should relate to levels of agency. The serenity prayer, Stephen Covey's circle of influence vs. circle of concern, all the classics.
With world events and politics and such, I find it very easy to delineate my level of agency. Sometimes I underestimate my level of agency, and I'm always interested in learning new ways to influence these matters, but for the most part it's clear.
But I think I'm still having a hard time grasping how little control I have over others' cognition and emotional states. It's like when I was teaching French, slowly realizing, I can hear the difference between these sounds, but this person can't, and there's nothing I can do.
I keep trying to grab the reins of other people's horses, and maybe there are some amazing horse whisperers out there who do that for a living and could get a situation under control when the rider can't, but I'm not a pro. That's outside my circle of influence.
The extent to which I'm suffering while witnessing my fellow U.S. citizens slowly unraveling over a period of years isn't because I'm so extra-compassionate, it's because I have some subconscious confusion about my ability to shape the situation, so I'm stuck in a worry loop.
I'm doing the EXACT same thing people are doing about the Supreme Court, etc., only I'm doing it about the mental health of an entire nation. If you asked me, point blank, what I have the power to do, I'd say, well, nothing. But there's that subconscious uncertainty lurking.
I have to find a way to Radically Accept that, I'm probably not going to know anyone who's okay, for a very long time. That whatever joy I get from the weather, from language study, from my kids, whatever, I'm probably going to have to find a way to enjoy it solo.
Contemplating this idea fills me with absolute despair, and that's usually a good sign that this is the thing, this is the thing I'm avoiding accepting, the thing that once I just... find a way to live with it, I'll be okay. I've been clinging to the idea that I can help you.
But constantly worrying and obsessing over things we can't control - that's the very thing I've been trying to control in other people. It's hiliariously (to me) ironic. I have to ACCEPT that the people I know are going to let things outside their influence dictate their moods.
Just as I've been letting a thing outside my influence (people's moods) dictate mine.
I have to Radically Accept the thing I've been afraid I could not survive (having only 2-3 people to share joy and have fun with), and find a way to make it okay.
I have to Radically Accept the thing I've been afraid I could not survive (having only 2-3 people to share joy and have fun with), and find a way to make it okay.
So I move on to, what CAN I control, here? I can spend more time with the people who make me feel good: people who are doing their part to build a better nation but also retaining various enthusiasms and joys. I can be a better and more attentive friend to them.
People who are overflowing with fear, rage, despair - if I have the strength, I can show them compassion, and if I don't, if I'm too emotionally permeable on a given day, I can just withdraw for the time being. Find something solo to do or find one of my "okay" friends.
But what I absolutely have to do is let go of the idea that I can somehow magically mind-meld with everyone on Twitter and make them okay. I can't. And until I truly admit that to myself, I'm going to keep clinging to it the way Twitter clings to certain headlines.
I can share the things I've learned, and maybe they'll help somebody, but largely, they won't. Everyone has to find their own way, and everyone is starting from a different place. They may not even have access to the path I'm on.
