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Ironically, I& #39;m doing better at coping in a healthy way with the decay of democracy in my country than I am at coping in a healthy way with the way people around me are responding to the decay of democracy in my country. I& #39;m working on a theory as to why.
I think it boils down to the thing I& #39;m constantly tweeting about on here, the necessity of a clear understanding of how levels of engagement should relate to levels of agency. The serenity prayer, Stephen Covey& #39;s circle of influence vs. circle of concern, all the classics.
With world events and politics and such, I find it very easy to delineate my level of agency. Sometimes I underestimate my level of agency, and I& #39;m always interested in learning new ways to influence these matters, but for the most part it& #39;s clear.
But I think I& #39;m still having a hard time grasping how little control I have over others& #39; cognition and emotional states. It& #39;s like when I was teaching French, slowly realizing, I can hear the difference between these sounds, but this person can& #39;t, and there& #39;s nothing I can do.
I keep trying to grab the reins of other people& #39;s horses, and maybe there are some amazing horse whisperers out there who do that for a living and could get a situation under control when the rider can& #39;t, but I& #39;m not a pro. That& #39;s outside my circle of influence.
The extent to which I& #39;m suffering while witnessing my fellow U.S. citizens slowly unraveling over a period of years isn& #39;t because I& #39;m so extra-compassionate, it& #39;s because I have some subconscious confusion about my ability to shape the situation, so I& #39;m stuck in a worry loop.
I& #39;m doing the EXACT same thing people are doing about the Supreme Court, etc., only I& #39;m doing it about the mental health of an entire nation. If you asked me, point blank, what I have the power to do, I& #39;d say, well, nothing. But there& #39;s that subconscious uncertainty lurking.
I have to find a way to Radically Accept that, I& #39;m probably not going to know anyone who& #39;s okay, for a very long time. That whatever joy I get from the weather, from language study, from my kids, whatever, I& #39;m probably going to have to find a way to enjoy it solo.
Contemplating this idea fills me with absolute despair, and that& #39;s usually a good sign that this is the thing, this is the thing I& #39;m avoiding accepting, the thing that once I just... find a way to live with it, I& #39;ll be okay. I& #39;ve been clinging to the idea that I can help you.
But constantly worrying and obsessing over things we can& #39;t control - that& #39;s the very thing I& #39;ve been trying to control in other people. It& #39;s hiliariously (to me) ironic. I have to ACCEPT that the people I know are going to let things outside their influence dictate their moods.
Just as I& #39;ve been letting a thing outside my influence (people& #39;s moods) dictate mine.
I have to Radically Accept the thing I& #39;ve been afraid I could not survive (having only 2-3 people to share joy and have fun with), and find a way to make it okay.
I have to Radically Accept the thing I& #39;ve been afraid I could not survive (having only 2-3 people to share joy and have fun with), and find a way to make it okay.
So I move on to, what CAN I control, here? I can spend more time with the people who make me feel good: people who are doing their part to build a better nation but also retaining various enthusiasms and joys. I can be a better and more attentive friend to them.
People who are overflowing with fear, rage, despair - if I have the strength, I can show them compassion, and if I don& #39;t, if I& #39;m too emotionally permeable on a given day, I can just withdraw for the time being. Find something solo to do or find one of my "okay" friends.
