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Idk if I& #39;ve talked about this or not before, but I have been thinking and introspecting my life lately. I& #39;ve come to realize that my body never look boyish when I was a kid. And I never truly got a proper male puberty. It was late and it was pretty much just a bunch of height and
constant erections at everything. I never had the rough nature the boys around me had, which got m called sissy, fag, gay. They were technically right on all those fronts. I just flat out didn& #39;t think like other "boys".
At the age of 4/5 I started noticing my genetalia and those
At the age of 4/5 I started noticing my genetalia and those
of my parents. I realized mine looked like my dad& #39;s, but that didn& #39;t feel right. My mom& #39;s made more sense to me. I remember asking her what the difference between them was. Seeing diagrams in her health book (she& #39;s a hypochondriac). Remember asking her why I didn& #39;t have a vagina.
And she said, "because you& #39;re a boy." And that never resonated with me as being right. But being autisitic, my brain took the logical path of "you have boy genetalia, therefore you have to be a boy, right?". Each time something came up that I instinctually wanted (like makeup),
My mother would tell me (this instance is makeup) that it& #39;s "a girl thing, and boys don& #39;t wear it. You& #39;d get made fun of, so let& #39;s keep this as a fun at home thing once in a while". It was never a "fun home thing" after that tho. I never got to try makeup on. Never got to wear
lip gloss, instead I got flavored chap stick and tried to make the best of it. 3rd/4th grade rolled around and my girlfriends all started getting boobs. I was so saddened that it wasn& #39;t happening to me; it didn& #39;t feel right. I asked my mom to take me to get a training bra. That
like everything else was turned down because "boys don& #39;t wear those". I wish I had been able to summon my voice and tell her I& #39;m not one. Or at least beg that I could hide wearing it under my shirt. Or that she would have seen these blatant gender-questioning alarms going off.
I wondered as I went through puberty why all that happened was that I got tall. Those prominent male features that came out in most of the guys around me, I lacked. I looked effeminate. So I hid my body in baggy clothes, and doused myself in TAG and AXE and tried to just not be
boy or girl. I got left alone. No one bullied me. Somehow I made friends. Dated a couple bi girl that I/they didn& #39;t understand why. I chased one lesbian through most of high school knowing I wanted to date her, but knowing she wouldn& #39;t know that I wasn& #39;t a guy.
And yet, at 28 I
And yet, at 28 I
started HRT. And my body has taken to well to it that I wonder if my body was set to be female and then last second cause of all the steroids and such my mother was taking while pregnant, that I got the wrong genetalia to go with it. It& #39;s been a war since puberty to feel comfort
-able in my body. The testosterone countering how my brain thinks. But now, I have clarity. I feel right in my head, right in my body. I am seeing all these changes just happen almost effortlessly and they are welcomed. The estrogen and progesterone are like lost family.
