Priti Patel’s spokesperson telling lawyers to “get back to work” is quite the thing. I’ll just whack on my wig and gown and hot foot it down to Blackfriars Crown Court. Oh no, wait, the government sold it as prime real estate so now vulnerable complainants wait longer for trial.

Perhaps I’ll shimmy on over to an East London Crown Court. No. Wait. Not there. Because there is a defendant who has been trying to PLEAD GUILTY there, from custody, for over two months.

Maybe I’ll head out to a West London Crown Court. Eeeesh. Trials in 2022. I’ll give that a swerve.

What about a prison video link? What’s that, nice gentleman operating the system at the HMP? Did I hear you correctly?

No slots until after Christmas to see people remanded in an actual cell? I see.

Perhaps I’ll nip into a Covid Extended Operating Hours court and completely wreck the career prospects of caregivers at the bar? Something to pass the time.

Or maybe I’ll write advices and conduct hearings again and again for the 35 cases on my books - for the vulnerable, the remanded, the mentally unwell, the very young, the panicked, the anxious and all who cannot understand why this government won’t fund the court system properly.