we need to talk about misogyny within the queer community, particularly from cis gay men
(a thread)

Now, sometimes theres this unnoticed complex that because these men are queer and sometimes possess feminine traits or have many female friends that they are exempt from misogyny, that they simply cannot be the ‘men’ we are discussing.

there are some cis gay men who will see this and instantly get defensive, this isn’t an attack. Please just listen. It’s likely that some of this is simply unnoticed due to societies conditioning or even the fact us women didn’t speak up when it occurred and so it just continued.

I understand that some men who do these things do not actively mean to cause harm, but it need to stop. And if you aren’t part of the problem, great! but know its absolutely rife in your community and your voice can help to change that.

To be clear, I’m writing this from mostly my own experience. So know that though not all women within the community have experienced these things, they likely have experienced other things I haven’t even mentioned.

As a queer woman entering a queer space for the first time, immediately, the most noticeable thing I felt was a sense of belonging I didn’t feel in other communities.

So when I noticed remarks, actions or even rules that where misogynistic, it didn’t matter as much as the fact I felt like I belonged for the first time.

I let these things slide, because if i said something, maybe they wouldn’t like me anymore and I would loose my place. I wish I didn’t shut my mouth, because maybe things would be a little different by now.

The act that is possibly the most subtle, affects me most and that is being actively spoken over, interrupted, ignored or straight up excluded from conversation. I’ve been a target of this a long time, I’m not as loud or outspoken as other people so sometimes this happens.

I thought it could just be me, until I paid close attention to see it wasn’t exclusively happening to me, it was exclusively happening to all the women within these spaces as well as young people.

As an AFAB drag queen, most people within the community are encouraging. That’s not enough. If you support AMAB drag queens, support us.

If the only difference between us is our genitalia and you continue to exclude us, you are sexist. If you don’t exclude us but just *sort of* think we are less than our AMAB counterparts, you are sexist.

also if you exclude trans women from our art form or don’t allow them to label themselves as drag queens amidst or post transition you’re just fucked...and sexist....and transphobic. (also fuck you)

Furthermore, if you feel the need to identify us as AFAB, bio, femme, faux or any other term that is othering on stage, for the wow factor or the novelty of it, stop.

We can choose to label ourselves as whatever if we wish, but unless we say so, all we should be referred to is Drag Artists or Drag Queens. To make it clear, my use of AFAB and AMAB within this conversation is purely for the purpose of being clear where these issues lie.

As a young person I entered the community for my love for the art of drag. At this point, I was unaware of my sexuality. I now identify as *proudly* bisexual.

Before discovering myself, as a 15-18 year old, I was told by many men in the community that I wasn’t queer. How could they know? I believe this may have been part of why it took me so long to understand my sexuality.

Often their reasoning entailed ‘oh you like drag, you’re feminine, you’re just a fag/drag hag’. Even simply passing it off as a friendly joke. This is extremely harmful to young people who just want to discover themselves.

As many younger women who aren’t vocal about their sexuality or don’t label themselves enter the community after me, I see that this is an active pattern. Why does a teenagers sexuality even concern these adult, gay men?

This is not only misogynistic but gatekeeping a community and its safe spaces. Spaces essentially created for people who were previously outcast from other communities. Why do you continue to do the same thing to young people or those unaware of their sexuality?

Maybe the most important point of this conversation, is the sexual harassment queer women sometimes experience at the hand of cis gay men in the community.

Many of these men feel like they have the right to touch or grope women because they aren’t sexually attracted to them so ‘its not predatory behaviour or sexual harassment’. Wrong. It is.

This isn’t behaviour exclusive to cis gay men towards queer women. Occasionally straight men or women enter our spaces and do this to drag queens. However, for the longest time some straight women have been disrespecting safe spaces and doing this to gay men. it’s a big issue.

What baffles me is that after being subject to this behaviour, being vocal about its vile nature, some gay men are still doing this to women. No one should be touching anyone without their consent REGARDLESS of sexuality.

For me, I’m lucky to have only experienced this a few times but I’m witness to it constantly and I’m not talking about a little fun between two friends.

I have been groped inappropriately in these safe spaces exclusively by men. I have been forcibly kissed while pulling away and being visibly uncomfortable only to have the person repeat the behaviour seconds later.

I have had my skirt pulled up and hands put beneath my clothes multiple times. Yet, I am one of the women who hasn’t experienced much of this behaviour in comparison to others. So imagine how it has been for other women.

Lastly, another problem is active exclusion of women in venues. Yet many men continue to financially support these spaces. Don’t get me wrong, I know these venues may mean a lot to you and you may have some amazing memories there, its okay to value those.

What isn’t okay is supporting these rules or behaviours shown by staff. Call them out, make change. stop letting it happen. Your money is better elsewhere unless change is made.

Queer people come in all shapes and sizes, it’s impossible to even know someones gender or sexuality from their appearance anyway. So please stop telling us we need to be with a male friend to enter.

To be clear, I’m not talking about any particular venue, as you may think. It happens at many places.

Sometimes its not a spoken rule, but its obvious its happening. Sometimes its simply the nasty looks a woman gets walking through a queer space, especially if she’s outwardly feminine.

Sometimes its lack of female employees, its bar staff clearly prioritising male patrons while we stand there at the front of the line, waiting, as ‘man’ after ‘man’ is served before us. Again I return to the point that you don’t know someone’s gender or sexuality from appearance!

Mostly, as a queer woman, I love my community. I love my safe spaces. I love the G that helps make up out LGBTQI+ community!

What I don’t love, is the lack of change or even discussion or acknowledgement, from cis men, of these issues that very clearly exist for queer women in this community. Please, all we ask is to be heard and treated equally from the entire community.

Ps: We aren’t the only ones experiencing forms of exclusion within the community either, but I can only comment on my personal experience.

I encourage queer POC, bi/pan men, trans women, trans men, NB people and asexual people to speak up about their experiences involving othering or exclusion within out communities. I promise to listen and amplify your voices as well as protect and defend you.

For a community built to empower those who have been outcast and give them a sense of belonging, it sure is flawed. We should make everyone comfortable and give them the opportunity to feel they belong.

We should love each other.

thank you for reading.