Read on Twitter
Many people post here about their weight loss and weight gain struggles as a way to share, commiserate and seek advice/support. I always feel a little torn about replying because everyone’s body journey is so personal and I never want someone to feel criticized by my comments and
I also very much want to share with people the information I’ve learned about Intuitive Eating and #HAES from people like @LindoBaconX - so I’m inspired today to start this thread briefly telling my own story struggling with weight and body image. This is my story so far:
I was an awkwardly tall kid, always a little taller than most (ending up 6’2”), and not very athletic or coordinated. I remember, starting around age 14, being very self-conscious that my body wasn’t shaped the way I wanted it to be. I had a little too much belly and I didn’t
like the way shirts fit me tucked in. I tried to hide my body shape and I started to become familiar with diet culture. As a teenager I would binge eat as a reward for something I was proud of (like doing well in school) and then I would try to restrict my eating out of hopes of
changing my body shape. eventually this started an on again / off again obsession with different types of exercise / fitness. I told myself I should run more despite continuing to be awkward and frankly just bad at running, always hurting my feet or knees or shins.
In my 20s I began weight cycling between about 250lbs and 290lbs. I would feel good about myself when for a few months of restriction or everyday exercise i could get or stay below 260 lbs. I weigh myself everyday. And I would bring eat and feel awful afterwards on average once
per week. Every when I felt good about myself, it never lasted. I always worried I was starting to put the weight back on, that i needs to stop eating certain foods altogether and that i was a bad person when I overate to the point of feeling sick, which again, was at least once
per week. When I was close to 250lbs I would buy smaller clothes, have my suits tailored in, and bask in the compliments. But I always gained the weight back. That story next:
I’m a father and self-employed lawyer and mediator. There is always something I could be doing that is more enticing than exercising, always work to do, always an opportunity to spend time with my kids, always some source of stress that can be alleviated with food. And these
were all my excuses for always gaining back the weight. And as diet culture teaches us that must be a failure on my part to have enough willpower, to schedule my day perfectly, or prioritize my “health” enough, to be strong instead of weak. I was a bad person because I was fat
I was fat again. I would stop fitting in my smaller clothes and suits, have to retailer my suits again. I would look I the mirror every morning with disappointment and shame. In my head I would say things to myself like “you’re a fat loser, you’re weak and fat and lazy”
I would hear my dad making fun of my mom for overeating, or my mom calling herself fat and praising my dad for his natural thinness, something that came easy to him. I hated seeing her struggle with diet culture with exercising and binging. And I followed every step. I tried
every exercise craze. I’ve owned an elliptical and a rowing machine, I’ve had personal trainers, been to boot camp classes, exercised to fitness video games, tae bo videotapes, aerobics dvds, done CrossFit, used the Nike running app and Apple watch fitness tracker, and so on.
During all of those year (age 14 to 39) I never thought about how the diet and exercise industry actually make more money if I failed. If I gained the weight back I was more likely to return to paying Weight Watchers or MyFitnessPal (I paid for pro versions of both of them)
and through all the things I tried to be 250lbs instead of 280 or 290lbs, I constantly thought I was a bad person for failing. Just another fat f*ck who didn’t have enough willpower. A failure. I only felt good when people told me I looked thin and only when i agreed with them.
If someone told me I looked thin after I had just gained some weight, I brushed it off and told them how wrong they were, explaining it away with “this shirt just hides the weight” or “nice of you to say but I’m actually heavier”. it made me feel worse to not earn the compliment
I have to go do some work, but later today I’ll explain how I broke out of this cycle of hating myself for gaining weight, and managed to stop repeating the same cycle year after year by learning about Intuitive Eating and #HAES. I’m still struggling but I’m better than I was...
