My wife constructed a greenhouse out back to recreate the conditions of tropical climate for the purpose of growing strawberries. She brings them in and blends them up into a preservative, adds a bag of sugar and serves it to me, her man child husband. Simple. Anyone can do it!

My parents battered me repeatedly as a child and it didn't do me any harm. Anyway, got to go now and have this gimp mask surgically removed from my face.

Later I'll be talking about how we should be helping the homeless instead of immigrants but also how homeless people are lazy and shouldn't be helped when we have kids to feed - who should all starve because their mum's are crack whores.

Basically fuck everyone but me and the bankers

Back from my Ofcom Complaint Making Class. As, I was saying, fuck your children. Let the market sort it - unless my interests are threatened in which case I am entitled to unlimited non means-tested financial assistance, the longterm cost of which I'll blame on your £90 giro

As a middle class taxpayer who rarely interfaces with anything beyond my narrow social experience, I can assure you I am an authority on everything. I'll tell you how to feed you kids. What the lips on your vagina are really called. I'll give it to you treehuggers straight...

Oh wait aM I eVen AlloWEd tO Say STRAIGHT wiHoUt geTTinG cANCeLLED by the Rgressive LEFT?? I'm an absolutely vulgar expression of humanity but because I drive an Audi I can afford to bathe in the light of sophistication.

As such, I expect any social, economic or health contagion that might impact me to be elevated to the level of a public health emergency immediately and magic money trees that did not previously exist to suddenly sprout from the ground.

I DESERVE help when I experience adversity because me paying my mortgage, my second mortgage, my credit cards, my son's private education and my gym memberships are more important than the drug and homelessness crises your family and friends are all dead from.

I LOVE this government because I no longer fell informal social pressure to conceal the sort of ignorance and prejudice that would otherwise be extremely embarrassing to admit to.

#freetommyfarage

I believe in a welfare state so long as it the psychological techniques it deploys on its applicants have more in common with the most up to date definition of domestic abuse than they do with social insurance and cohesion.

I was thrilled by the hostile environment policy because one thing this country needed in 2010 was raft of government measures designed to placate racism while also striking fear in the hearts of people who were already traumatized simply by living here

If you don't like it ...go to your second or third home