Let’s make a thread about autistic burnout. Maybe a passing Dr might read it, and learn from our collective knowledge

I’ve had many periods of autistic burnout in my life. I thought, and so did Drs, that it was depression

#Thread
#ActuallyAutistic #ThisIsAutisticBurnout

I would gradually begin to be unable to do the normal, every day things in my life, slowing down and feeling heavy and exhausted until I was spending days on end doing nothing, staying in bed, slumping on the sofa, unable to really communicate properly without major effort

These periods of autistic burnout are always connected to times of high social and emotional pressure:

As a small child:
Every time we moved house
Every time I moved schools
Every time we moved up a class and got a new teacher

Every time my mother had another baby (I’m the eldest of 4)
Every time my dad left to go offshore (he was a petroleum geologist)
Every time my dad came back from the oil rig

I’d be unable to sleep, become slow and sluggish in the mornings, be reluctant to go to school and ask to stay home all the time, have mood swings, be really irritable.

I’d be unable to face things like Brownies and ballet, and ask to stay home

I’d have huge meltdowns

Things I’d normally manage/force myself to tolerate: food, transitions, clothing textures, would be intolerable. In short, I’d be unable to mask anymore and would become overwhelmed very quickly and unable to hide it

Fortunately for me, our family life in many ways was low demand and very routine. We always lived very rurally, so I spent hours and hours outside in the fields and woods and this undoubtedly helped me to regulate and cope with what was going on

As a teenager/young adult:
During and after my GCSE exams
When I changed schools for A levels
Leading up to, during and after my A levels
When I left home and went to university
Every time I returned home after the holidays

Again, same symptoms as before: no sleep/too much sleep, erratic mood, unable to face everyday things, trying to be avoidant, irritable, sensory overwhelm would increase, and I’d be unable to mask so I’d try to isolate myself or self medicate in extremely unhealthy ways

A major point of no return came after I completed my MA, whilst caring for a newborn. I lost parts of me that I’ve never been able to get back. I can’t even fully grasp precisely what, but I lost a spark, a drive, a sense of confidence, a sense of self, a nebulous something

I wandered around aimlessly in a cloud of brain fog and accidentally went through an imaginary doorway, that closed behind me and I can’t get back to where I was

I’ve tried many different medications to try and treat what I thought, and was told was depression. I’ve have many courses of CBT and 3 years of psychotherapy (which helped in a huge way, but not in a targeted autistic way, because I was undx at the time)

Navigating the world whilst autistic is I feel, to be in constant dialogue with yourself about what aspects of life you need to minimise and reduce, and be aware of, in order to avoid social, emotional and sensory overload. If you don’t, you end up in burnout

If I use public transport too much, the noise and sensory overwhelm will take its toll, leaving the house too much has the same impact, too much face to face socialising, taking on too many demands, too much pressure, also has the same effect

These days I don’t often have meltdowns, but I have frequent shutdowns. Those times when I can’t communicate, can’t move, can’t do basic things. But I used to have meltdowns and it’s destroyed friendships, relationships, jobs

It’s like my brain has a capacity level and when that’s reached, or exceeded, it just stops being able to do things.

That’s a weird thing for folk to understand because I’m a quick, bright, intense, curious, enthusiastic and energetic person. Until I’m not.

And that’s burnout

The problem is when you don’t know what is happening to you, or why it’s happening, or how to express or describe it to anyone, it feels extremely confusing, and isolating. I felt ashamed of being this way. As a kid I just internalised everything and tried to be a good child

I desperately wanted to be good, approved of, to fit in, to be praised, to be accepted. In some ways, people in my life needed me to be good too. So I tried. Really, really hard. Until I couldn’t anymore. When you wind yourself tightly for a long time, you eventually unravel