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so...it turns out I have 7 inch dick.
let me tell you how depression and anxiety led to this discovery.
let me tell you how depression and anxiety led to this discovery.
I always have to be very careful at the insertion stage of sex, but I assumed that was normal + my partner is quite sensitive in general, so this was super unsurprising. I had also started using large condoms a couple years ago, which was already CRAZY because in sex-ed
they drill it into you that YOU ARE AVERAGE YOU'RE GOING TO BE AVERAGE THAT'S HOW IT IS AVERAGE IS SEXY NOW GO FUCK. which was actually a super relieving message and I don't even think they should change it. I hadn't even started puberty at the time and it felt great to have
someone telling me my penis length would be fine. but anyway, I know I was a bit heftier because I had measured in high school and gotten to feel a little smirky about it. gotta get your thrills where you can! I assumed that was the end.
I was like yay me! you're short (I'm baaarely 5' 8") but you've got your secret weapon 
sometimes I would think about it to cheer myself or brag to my gf (you will be happy to know I never used this to get anyone into bed and I am extremely bad at dating), but that was it
sometimes I would think about it to cheer myself or brag to my gf (you will be happy to know I never used this to get anyone into bed and I am extremely bad at dating), but that was it
but last Friday night rolled around and I was SCARED and ANXIOUS. I am on new ADHD meds and they are doing barely anything but making me TIRED. I have been barely functional at work for MONTHS and am constantly disappointing everybody especially MYSELF. too much.
on top of that my new meds make my sex life really weird, though it's supposed to be temporary (says doc). I can barely sustain an erection and when I cum it feels like I have to POOP and PISS at the sometime and then my penis hurts for a little bit. It is not fun.
Last time I had sex, I literally lost my erection right before my partner was going to orgasm and shouted "thrust harder". She was a completely understanding saint and we worked back up there later, but it is difficult for me not to feel ashamed.
this has a lot to do with my partner's conception of masculinity. it's a bit messy. we are working through it communicatively, and I think that's part of the process! as someone who had (and sometimes has) gender dysphoria and decided to lean into being male, it is heartbreaking
when you feel not man enough for the person who you feel should truly accept you.
ANYWAY, I was staying up too late and feeling like a useless blob. I was considering masturbating, so I started to load-up some porn and see if I could convince my overly drugged member to cooperate, then, all of a sudden I started thinking like Allie Brosh, and it went like this
my dick! it's in my hand. what if it's still big? it could still totally be big! it's weird a floppy and I have to really work to get it hard, but maybe it's still...big? that would be good, right? that would justify my existence. the world needs Big Dick.
this logic Made Sense for a few reasons. first of all, it's so built-in to everything, all the jokes in my life, as something Dumb to want, I kind of can't not want it? BUT ALSO a lot of girls I know have Admitted that though people say size does not matter, because it is not a
Dealbreaker, they like the sight of a long hard cock. In fact, my gf had said that it's the sight of my hard dick bouncing around everywhere that gets her turned on, which in turn mad the thought of something extending waving around from my crotch, a Delightful Sexual Mystery
the OTHER part of this is that, while I am very straight in the sense of not really having a desire to have a sexual relationship with a man, I am a big believer in sexuality by parts. I definitely find the sight of a naked man with a pointed erection, especially an upward
pointing one EXTREMELY arousing. (nb: mine is almost parallel to the ground and slopes slightly downward which I've found extremely embarrassing/shameful for years, and am only just beginning to accept, but not really there yet.)
for a long time this arousal facilitated by men really confused me. I had actively explored being gay in high school and basically just decided: No. many people, including my mother, thought I was a gay for much of high school, because I can be very femme in many ways.
I didn't mind most of the time, though I had trouble dating (read: 0 dates until senior year). I *was* femme and I embrace that part of me in many ways. but I had looked at gay pornography, hungout with gay dudes, everything short of going out on a date (which would have been
hard to arrange for various reasons) and felt nothing towards the actual idea of either a relationship or sex with a man. so I had kind of crossed that off my list. BUT, there were still certain things. I could find men attractive in certain ways, and I very much empathized
with the woman in porn. I have very often felt jealous because, when done right, it looks ridiculously satisfying to get fucked hard. maintaining a position, leaning into the strain of your muscles as something flows through you sounds delicious.
(for those suggesting that I can still get fucked hard with the right implements, know that I have explored my orifices in my own time and decided the sensation is not for this body!)
I have often frequented porn sites and forums that roleplay things like "xchange" (fictional genderswap pills) or games like "you are the girl below" where people imagine themselves in such lewd positions as their peers can provide media for.
...this is all to say my sexuality is all over the place, but I can tell you that I find the idea of long, hard cock hanging out in the air very arousing, and I feel intensely proud when I occupy the archetype. Makes me feel Masculine in a Horny, Sweaty, Righteous way!
in fact, I had recently overcome my squeemishness and straight-up masturbated to the sight of a delicious cock. I was like, damn, that thing is out there and I'm into it. so in my mind Big Cock has attained Important Spiritual Value that can Save Me from my Everlasting Misery
so, back to the story, I'm DEPRESSED and trying to get hard, when I realize I don't have a ruler, but I do have a measuring tape. So I find the first disposable box that I think is relatively clean, measure up on the box, and measure the indicated distance: just a smidgin over 7"
I'm frankly so surprised that I measure it 3 more times just to be safe. Same result every time. I go jack-off without porn, thinking about the idealogical firepower of Big Dick energy.
the next day I want to tell my partner, but she's very uncomfortable with self-praise. after an impulsive roleplay and romp, I decide that cuddling is the perfect time to let her know...she smirks and doesn't say too much but in my mind I think: "she doesn't believe me"
she asks me to show her next time and I agree. But something has been Done to the foundation of my new power. the next day (today), I mention it and she asks me how I took the measurements. I explain in great detail, and she asks her to show me next time, but makes a little
comment about how it makes her think of all the ways boy might measure to increase their length. starting to feel defensive, I tell her that I looked up the way nurses do it (which I did! gotta be accurate) and she tells me of course she believes I did it right.
But I don't believe her. I'm a scared little boy not being let into the big boys club all over again. I'm a failure. Today, I went out with friends earlier in the day and felt less anxious for the first time in a long time. Suddenly my heart was racing again.
Where had my Big Dick energy gone?
I rested my mind a little bit, though it was spinning, then went back and breached the issue with my girlfriend. I told her she tended to dismiss my self-praise in a kind of flirtatious way, but I needed her support. I didn't feel masculine enough around her and my meds were
making sex weird. She hugged me and I felt good, but I felt pathetic too. A real Big Dick wouldn't need this. I was in a funk for the next hour or two. My partner asked what was wrong, and I said nothing was wrong. I needed to work this out on my own.
After doing some manual labor and trying to get to work, I knew what I what I needed to do. I worked up my medically comatose member and gave it a final three measurements, alone. Sure enough, it was still Big. But as I worked myself and took the extra measurements, I realized
I was getting incredibly turned-on just by working myself up and taking the measurements. The Big Dick energy is just the energy of working up your dick, feeling that it is everything it needs to be. Getting yourself to feel manly, *is* being a man, that's what I had decided
regarding my gender and I would be damned if it was any different for my dick!
I laid down and jacked-off without porn (rare for me), for I had discovered the true source of Big Dick energy.
~fin~
