Today was the day I was supposed to complete the Pennsylvania nurse monitoring program and be eligible for reinstatement of my license to practice. However, 6 months ago I decided to begin MOUD, these medications are prohibited and I was subsequently kicked from the program.

I struggle to find words to describe how I’ve felt since I was discharged from the program. Up until I made the decision to initiate OAT I was fully compliant with every requirement the Pa. Nurse Peer Assistance Program demanded.

Even those that were detrimental to my personal recovery.

I completed a 30 day inpatient treatment program followed by 1 year of outpatient programming.
90 12 step meetings in 90 days followed by a minimum of 3 meetings a week for 2.5 years.

I was subjected to daily random drug testing in a hostile environment which caused me to re-experience being raped every time I was chosen for a screen.

I was never permitted to view the results of my testing because all biological specimens become property of the state.

I “worked the steps” with a sponsor who initially informed me I wasn’t in recovery because I was on Vivitrol. He also told me I needed to isolate my part contributing to being raped and make amends in the future.

I never missed a screen or a meeting. When COVID-19 hit, workplace stress became completely unmanageable as did home life with several family member deaths and abruptly learning how to home school my 5 year old twins and 6 year old.

I consulted with my addictions medicine physician and we both agreed starting buprenorphine was an excellent safety plan.

Over the past six months I’ve desperately tried to come to terms with the reality that I will never practice as a nurse again. This reality is devastating.

I am shocked and devastated that my profession required me to decide between my license or my recovery. This fact reveals so much about how healthcare professionals view their own who suffer with SUDs; which btw are treatable and people fully recovery with support.

The most important take away from this is this: PNAP and the nursing board to an extent attempted to force me to make a decision that could’ve easily taken my life, left my wife a widow, and my children fatherless. All due to ignorance and discrimination. This is tragic.

Moreover, I am truly heartbroken. Not a day goes by that I don’t day dream about caring for sick people again. It is disgusting that I have been removed from my role of a caregiver due to having a legitimate illness.

For more information about my experience with the PA Board of Nursing and PNAP check out my blog, here:

https://billkinkle.weebly.com/bills-blog