Thread by @hisevilforest, my wife has started calling the counter with our ridiculous selection of [...]

my wife has started calling the counter with our ridiculous selection of loose leaf teas "Tea City" and now I have to write a tea shop au where XY is a beleaguered retail worker and people keep asking him for cups of tea but they're not that kind of tea shop

(here's Tea City)

anyway the next person who asks him to make them a cup of tea when they CLEARLY DO NOT EVEN HAVE A PUBLIC KITCHEN is getting stabbed in the gut with a decorative tea thermometer he fucking swears

the next person to ask him to make them a cup of tea is the hottest man he has ever seen in his life, so he doesn't actually murder him

the very hot man he is not going to murder says, "oh, do you... not sell tea? I just thought. you're called tea city?"

he seems very confused

xue yang smiles at him. it might be more of a death smirk. retail shifts make him lose control of his face by like, 4 PM at the latest, he has no idea what he's doing with it right now

but just before he can figure out a way to turn the phrase "we're retail only, bulk dry loose leaf" into a come-on, the SECOND hottest man xue yang has ever seen comes over from where he was examining the tea list and says,

"they sell loose leaf by weight"

he's hot AND he can read. but he also has an arm around the new, dumbfuck love of xue yang's life, so he might murder him anyway

"oh," says the love of xue yang's life. "we don't have the water turned on at home yet. we just moved today. do you have anything that doesn't.... need water?"

xue yang adores this nutjob. what kind of a question is that to ask in a fucking tea shop? he's insane and xue yang wants to climb him like a tree

but the love of his life's boyfriend looks like he could absolutely beat the shit out of him and xue yang does not fight dirty at the shop, the shop is sacred space where we do CALM VIBES ONLY, he tells himself

so instead of saying "you could just have ME," he directs them to the cooler of very fancy tea-infused chocolates, and the much less fancy shelf of various sugars that also has some bags of artisanal local candy flavored with all-natural elderberry and apricot juice

this is a test. only assholes pick the chocolate, which is overpriced and tastes like nothing.

if this guy picks the chocolate, xue yang will use his powers for evil and break up him and his boyfriend because assholes don't deserve tea shop calm vibes courtesy

the love of xue yang's life and his upsettingly hit boyfriend immediately head for the cooler and xue yang thinks, thank fuck

but then they see the price tag ($2 per piece!!!! what the fuck!!!!) and they frown and walk over to the sugar shelf instead

xue yang's future husband looks interested in the elderberry, which, okay, that's a solid choice. for that one xue yang will do them the courtesy of only flirting, not actually actively pursuing

but then

xue yang's future husband's boyfriend picks up a bag of apricot. oh no. oh NO

the apricot is the best thing in the ENTIRE STORE. it is xue yang's favorite thing he has EVER put in his mouth, and his main hobby is sucking a great deal of dick, which he loves very much, so

this man CANNOT choose the apricot because then he's hot AND he can read AND he has taste, which means xue yang has to like him, which means he can't hit on his boyfriend, which ruins EVERYTHING

the two of them, together, settle on the apricot. they bring it up to the counter and xue yang rings it up, quietly mourning his future marriage and hoping they'll leave immediately so he can go drown himself in the staff kitchen sink about it

(actually he will probably just go in the staff kitchen and make himself a cup of the ceylon blend with the nougat and hazelnut pieces and put in way too much sugar and feel sorry for himself until his shift ends in an hour. but either way)

but after he finishes the transaction, the two painfully hot men do not leave right away. they crack open the bag right there.

and then. aND THEN

the love of xue yang's life, his future husband, who is apparently an ALIEN from OUTER SPACE, holds out the bag and says, "would you like one?"

AS THOUGH THAT IS A CHILL AND NORMAL THING TO OFFER A RANDOM RETAIL WORKER YOU JUST MET

OF COURSE xue yang would like one

he pops one into his mouth. it is so good. this man is so hot and so nice and so weird. xue yang perishes on the spot, basically. he closes his eyes and savors the delicious apricot flavor that being politely murdered by a hot weirdo apparently tastes like

when he opens his eyes, they're both staring at him

xue yang's future husband is smiling at him, like it somehow brought him joy to bring xue yang joy

xue yang's future husband's boyfriend mostly just looks like he wants to eat him

then, they turn and stare at each other in eerie unison. they are silent for like, several full minutes. perhaps they are BOTH aliens from outer space

finally, they turn back to xue yang. again in unison. it's pretty fucking weird but also kind of cute if he doesn't think about it too hard

and xue yang's future husband says, "my name is xiao xingchen. this is my friend, song lan"

FRIEND?????????

xue yang considers actually screaming. he has no idea what his face is doing, but My Friend Song Lan looks like he is barely restraining himself from laughing at him so it must be pretty ridiculous

xue yang's future husband xiao xingchen continues,

"we were about to have dinner at the place across the street, and I happened to notice that you will be closing soon"

"I hope it's not too impolite when I ask if you would like to join us," he says.

xue yang stares at him.

do they want to be... friends with him?

they are space aliens and he does not understand what they want

xiao xingchen has begun to look a little dismayed by the length of time xue yang has gone without speaking, but before he can say anything, My Friend Song Lan interjects

"he means as a date," he says helpfully. "with us both"

"what the fuck," xue yang says

"I'm sorry, we don't mean to offend you, and of course there's no pressure, you certainly don't have to--" xiao xingchen starts to say

"no, the fuck, you do not get to just take it back!" xue yang says. "I'm closing early, we're going right the fuck now, come on"

he shuts down the till in record time and turns off all the lights while xingchen and song lan wait for him outside

he doesn't think the owner would mind. when they're in the shop together (she likes to make sure she has a shift every week with each of her workers, to keep up with their lives) jiang yanli always says he should follow his heart more

the dinner is amazing. song lan and xiao xingchen are nuts. xingchen laughs at all xue yang's jokes, even the dumb ones, and song lan splits his dessert

they go for a walk around the neighborhood afterward. xingchen holds one of xue yang's hands. and after a while, quietly, carefully, song lan takes the other

suddenly, xue yang stops walking, because what the fuck

he's holding song lan's left hand, and on it, he felt--

he pulls it up to his face to look at

"you're MARRIED?" he says. "what the FUCK, song lan"

"oh, yeah," song lan says. "to xingchen, of course"

xue yang stares at him. "he said you were his friend."

"well, I am," song lan says. "I'm also his husband. xingchen doesn't like labels, though."

"calling you my husband would be unnecessarily restrictive and assimilationist," xingchen says to song lan, in the kind of voice that says he has repeated the same sentence several thousand times in the past

TO XINGCHEN, OF COURSE.

xue yang stares at them both. they're both fucking space aliens and he is fucking doomed

"he doesn't like wearing jewelry, either, does he?" xue yang says to song lan as they start walking again

"it just doesn't seem practical in my line of work," xingchen says

oh really, xiao xingchen? what is your line of work? please tell me, I need to know if you pilot the spaceship or run the probes, xue yang thinks but doesn't say, because that would be fucking rude and he's still hoping these space aliens will take him home and fuck him

"he's a sculptor," song lan says.

"ceramics," xingchen adds

and they DO take him home and fuck him

and six months later, Tea City starts stocking a new line of handmade teapots, and xue yang goes home and eats apricot candy with his married space alien boyfriends every single day

// THE END

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