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Victims are ALWAYS expected to acquiesce so much more than perpetrators.
It starts in the relationship, when they give way to the abuser but it also continues after leaving the relationship.
When are we going to acknowledge this?
THREAD
#coercivecontrol
#domesticabuse
It starts in the relationship, when they give way to the abuser but it also continues after leaving the relationship.
When are we going to acknowledge this?
THREAD
#coercivecontrol
#domesticabuse
It starts by giving in to the abuser, because the abuser makes them feel guilty.
Or stupid.
Or maybe the abuser likes to be in control but frames it as being masterful, or having more knowledge.
Or stupid.
Or maybe the abuser likes to be in control but frames it as being masterful, or having more knowledge.
It may be going to a restaurant and having what you’re eating decided for you.
Or being the one who INSISTS on choosing the wine.
Or who refuses to be driven by you.
Or zealously holds on to the remote control.
Taking away your choice by choosing for you is a huge part of it.
Or being the one who INSISTS on choosing the wine.
Or who refuses to be driven by you.
Or zealously holds on to the remote control.
Taking away your choice by choosing for you is a huge part of it.
It may be deciding WHO to socialise with.
How to spend Christmas
Or where to go on holiday.
How to spend Christmas
Or where to go on holiday.
It may be acquiescing to sex because you’ve been worn down to the point where it’s harder to say no and trying is futile.
“ Say yes. You know you’ll enjoy it.”
“ You don’t have to do anything, just play dead and let me do it.”
“ Say yes. You know you’ll enjoy it.”
“ You don’t have to do anything, just play dead and let me do it.”
It may be acquiescing over children.
Having them
Looking after them
Having the day the day responsibly for them
That is to say, you are expected to do it all.
Not acquiescing is not an option.
Having them
Looking after them
Having the day the day responsibly for them
That is to say, you are expected to do it all.
Not acquiescing is not an option.
It may be doing all the cooking or the cleaning - or both.
When they do do it, it may be done so badly that you resign yourself to the fact that it’s just easier if you do it.
So you acquiesce.
When they do do it, it may be done so badly that you resign yourself to the fact that it’s just easier if you do it.
So you acquiesce.
It may be over things you enjoy.
Your interests and hobbies will play second fiddle.
And so will the children’s.
Remember Dan Broderick? His kids had second hand clothes and no hearing at home. Dan wore bespoke.
Your interests and hobbies will play second fiddle.
And so will the children’s.
Remember Dan Broderick? His kids had second hand clothes and no hearing at home. Dan wore bespoke.
And the expectation will be on you to leave.
Not on them to stop.
You will be expected to make the decision to protect your children.
The same expectation simply isn’t there for the abuser.
Not on them to stop.
You will be expected to make the decision to protect your children.
The same expectation simply isn’t there for the abuser.
And it doesn’t stop when the relationship ends.
The expectation will then be on you to pull your weight, pick up the slack, take it on the chin.
The expectation will then be on you to pull your weight, pick up the slack, take it on the chin.
Why? Because it’s easier to persuade you to agree to doing things you don’t want to do, than to confront the abuser who will probably resist suggestion.
You will be expected to be the bigger parent
The better parent.
You will be told to put your children first.
Not the abuser.
Only you.
The better parent.
You will be told to put your children first.
Not the abuser.
Only you.
You will be told to *get over it* when you are traumatised.
Or * haven’t you moved on from it yet*?
Or, not to talk badly of the other parent.
Whilst that parent has carte blanche by virtue of the fact that they are not told to get over the abuse and put it to one side.
Or * haven’t you moved on from it yet*?
Or, not to talk badly of the other parent.
Whilst that parent has carte blanche by virtue of the fact that they are not told to get over the abuse and put it to one side.
You will be expected to do the homework, buy the uniform.
Schools often place the burden on one parent.
Even if the abusive parent demands 50:50, this often consists of knowing what is happening and monitoring what the other parent is doing.
It rarely involves real effort.
Schools often place the burden on one parent.
Even if the abusive parent demands 50:50, this often consists of knowing what is happening and monitoring what the other parent is doing.
It rarely involves real effort.
The same is true of courts.
The victim is expected to put their feelings aside and think of the children.
The abuser is rarely told that the impact of their ongoing behaviour is detrimental to both the child and other parent.
The victim is expected to put their feelings aside and think of the children.
The abuser is rarely told that the impact of their ongoing behaviour is detrimental to both the child and other parent.
A victim is expected to park their fear.
Ignore their gut.
Disregard what they know of what the abuser is capable of.
And to ONLY go back to court if they have concerns and IF THEY HAVE PROOF.
which often isn’t understood anyway.
Or just minimised.
Ignore their gut.
Disregard what they know of what the abuser is capable of.
And to ONLY go back to court if they have concerns and IF THEY HAVE PROOF.
which often isn’t understood anyway.
Or just minimised.
The parent has to PROVE the other parent is a danger
The other parent RARELY has to prove they are safe.
And that is the biggest acquiescence of all.
# coercivecontrol
#domesticabuse
#familycourt
#DVAM2020
The other parent RARELY has to prove they are safe.
And that is the biggest acquiescence of all.
# coercivecontrol
#domesticabuse
#familycourt
#DVAM2020
