TW:

you may wonder why ive decided to share this thru twitter & bakit ngayon pa but im not here for the attention. what im here for is for the peace of my mind and for a heavy weight to be lifted off of my chest (that’s been eating me alive for the past 2 years)

i was groomed.

before i begin, napaisip ako whether or not to share this here publicly simula nung lumabas yung news abt ej laure & bugoy ,, it triggered smth that ive been trying to push back for the longest time and i didnt push thru w/ sharing cuz i felt like it wasnt necessary to do so-

considering the fact that my family members and most of my friends doesn’t know abt this incident. i felt like it wasnt smth to be said and shared in the first place.

but almost a month ago, survivors of sexual harassment came forward with their experiences from a batchmate (which i was very vocal abt),, at hindi na nawala sa isip ko ulit yung ilang beses ko nang binabalewala.

and ik there’s so much going in the world rn and i want to apologize for putting this out during appalling times but i just feel like if finally say this out loud, the heavy feeling in my chest can finally ease somehow.

two of my friends told me that i hold the power if i want to share this or not, ang mahalaga daw ay saan ako makakahanap ng kapayapaan sa utak at dibdib ko.

yes im here rn cuz ive only found the courage to do so after 2 long years of constantly being bombarded by this memory.

as im typing this, ang lakas ng kabog ng dibdib ko. pero hindi na ako natatakot at alam kong wala akong mapapala kung kasinungalingan man ‘tong mga sasabihin ko, kaya bakit ako magsisinungaling?

i rlly dont feel comfortable name dropping them, but to avoid confusion let’s call them “P”

P dmed me on august 15, 2018 at 12:39 am.

When i saw the message, i was actually still in school during lunch break and i didnt reply bcuz i didnt know what to feel at that time.

i decided to reply to them at 8:42 PM when i was at home and i had just finished doing some requirements for school. Natandaan ko lang kasi bigla na may nag dm pala sakin and it rlly got me intrigued.

keep in mind that i was in 10th grade at this time, and was 15 years old.

During these times, like any other teenager; we were starting to be curious & explore areas of romance and sexuality. I saw how my friends and batchmates already had experiences with these type of stuff and that added to my insecurities in regards to how i looked like-

kasi halos silang lahat may mga jowa o mu na, tapos ako kahit isa wala (kahit yung may magkagusto man lang sakin wala),, and i always blamed me being fat for being unnattractive.

Anw, u can imagine how intrigued and delighted i was to see someone’s message saying that im cute.

P replied to me almost 4 hrs after i replied to their initial message. I’ll be sharing the screenshots of our convo nung madaling araw na yon

I really dont feel comfortable handle dropping them so ill be covering their handle.

ill be using they-them pronouns to refer to P as well. P is a guy but im unsure of what their choice of pronouns are.

P talked in a very convincing manner. Sobrang sweet & caring. My 15 year old self dreamt of meeting a guy like that. During that night sobrang kinikilig ako (but looking back, im completely bothered for feeling that way)

Unang pumasok sa isip ko is “wow in the 15 years of my life, no one found me attractive” and this got me so invested. Sobrang natuwa ako to the point where i felt validated(?) but like looking back rn sobrang pinandidirian ko yung sarili ko for feeling that way and engaging.

P asked what was keeping me awake and dito ko sinabi na high school ako. In my head iniisip ko na (at most) baka senior high siya (siguro mga g11). P then mentioned na ilang beses na niya binisita yung twt acc ko.

like i said, P talks in a very flattering way. P asked me where i lived at tatanga-tanga ko namang sinabi kung saan. Dito ko rin nalaman na they saw my acc when I replied to a person’s twt asking for help kasi her family got stranded on top of their roof cuz it flooded heavily-

during this one typhoon nung 2018 (nakalimutan ko lang yung name) i think a month or a few weeks prior to P dming me (I basically called the emergency hotline sa marikina to help the girl who tweeted)

apparently P saw my reply and that’s when they went to my account. In fairness, hindi siya DDS. The topic then shifted into the events nung ondoy. If anyone isnt aware, sobrang lala nung baha sa marikina at madaming naapektuhan (including my family lalo na’t sa marikina kami)

P mentioned how they were stranded on top of a truck for 23 hrs,, then asked kung ilang taon ako nung ondoy. We also talked abt how we hated the government and the turtle.Thats when i asked where they’re from and if they’re a student or not (basta nasa isip ko nito shs sya)

they asked me what grade I was which i answered & also explained how “i dont act that way” pertaining to how at such a young age i act maturely already, which in all honesty i rly didnt, i said that mainly cuz ive been hearing that from ppl who keep say “ang tanda mo na mag-isip”

P didnt reply for a while so i got worried if i said anything wrong or offensive & once P replied, tinanong ko siya abt their age kasi sobrang naiintriga na ako kung sino yung kausap ko.

P said that they were 27.
I was 15.
There’s a 12 yr age difference between us.

at that time, my immature 15 yr old self believed that “love knows no age” well sorry to burst ur bubble kid cuz there’s smth called the law and hindi mo mahahanap ang romantic love sa ganitong situation na pinasok mo.

P would message me when they're done with work. P would check up on me and how my day went.

P would ask for hugs and kisses bago kami matulog. We never met in person, pero sa sobrang hopeless romantic at desperado kong makaranas na magkajowa, sobrang saya ko nun.

P would also often ask for selfies. At naging instinct ko na sendan siya kasi nung mga panahon na ‘to pakiramdam ko may boyfriend ako.

days passed by, at mas nag-eenjoy akong kausap si P, sobrang sweet niya and slowly, i started to reciprocate their sweet messages.

I cant seem to find our convos on messenger but to cut things short, in one of our dms here on twt, we decided to call on messenger while P was on a business trip (taiwan at or beijing)

oo, kinilig ako at sobrang natuwa ako and at that time i even told one of my friends abt it

i saw how P looked like and honestly, i found them very attractive and I couldnt process that i was in that moment.

Days passed, and we would still message each other and halata yung flirting and harutan.

now here’s when i started feeling uncomfortable,

One saturday (at this point we’ve been talking for a month now) P called me on messenger kasi may gusto daw siyang sabihin sakin.

Hindi ko alam kung ano, basta sobrang nacurious na lang din ako.

when i answered the call, sabi niya nevermind na lang daw kasi baka hindi ko na daw siya kausapin ulit. But being nosy and intrigued, i told P that it’s fine and they can tell me anything.

That’s when P said, “can you show me your feet?”

i frozed.

wala akong ma-process nung umaga na yon basta litong lito ako sa sinasabi niya but i was scared that the only chance that i have at love was gonna be ruined.

I asked P why and they answered wala lang. Pero sa likod ng ulo ko, alam ko yung sagot.

Sa sobrang gulo ng utak ko, sinabi ko na may kailangan akong gawin and i have to drop the call.

Pero sa totoo lang, wala na akong gagawin nung araw na yon. I didnt know what to feel but i felt so disgusted and humiliated at myself.

To make things worse, i didnt stop talking to P. I would reply dryly and shortly. Madalas kong sinasabi na busy lang kasi ASHAPE season na so kailangan mag ayos sa school.

in all honesty, my mom saw P’s messages on messenger. My mom got ahold of my ipad and snooped thru my convo with P.

Malamang nagalit siya sakin at sa nangyari. Sinigawan niya ako while saying na binabastos ako ni P. In all honesty, hindi pinakita ng nanay ko yung mga messages

i never bothered to check the messages anymore, considering the fact that my mom had just warned me that she would tell my dad. This is where i begged her to not to, and im grateful she didnt.

my mom already knew abt my sexual orientation, and at this time she was very much against it. And what i experienced with P didnt help at all.

Pakiramdam ko sobrang baboy ng pagkatao ko.

im almost done with this thread, and after this, im gonna completely bury this in the past. im gonna try my hardest to forget this and never allow it to come back. ayoko na.

when the movie, Goyo came out, it was trending here for quite a while. The star of that movir was Paulo Avelino, and hindi naman ata shocker that I had the hugest crush on Paulo avelino ever since.

i saw a twt with a video of paulo avelino during one of his twitch streams and he said the joke “Chicharon ka ba? Kasi ang ingay mo pag kinakain kita” and i distinctively remember qrt-ing the twt and being all kilig

that same night, i received a message from P saying “can you be my chicharon” and i honestly didnt know what they meant pero i had a bad gut feeling already.