There is nothing more important and at the same time terrifying to me than being vulnerable.

Being soft.

I try to follow a few general ideals in my life. They are things I want to be. Things I want to bring into the life of the people around me. Some are easier than others but I wouldn't be able to follow them half as well or consistently without the support of my loved ones.

I want to be kind. I want to always treat the people around me as complex human beings with fears and hopes, with flaws and strengths. I want to treat them with the respect I would like to receive from them. No matter if I agree with them or not. Even if they are mean to me.

This doesn't mean I can't stand up for my beliefs, that I won't tell people when I think they are wrong. But I don't want to become part of a cycle of pain and revenge. I don't want to lash out and be mean. I don't want to hurt people for the sake of hurting them.

I want to be compassionate. I want to understand what people feel and engage with them based on that understanding. I want to take their emotions into account when I interact with them. This doesn't mean I accept every emotion as equal, but that I stay aware of them.

I want to be vulnerable. This is the hardest one for me. I am open about a lot of personal topics, but usually only in a way that gives me enough distance to protect myself. Being vulnerable is scary as hell. Especially as a trans person. Especially as a non-binary person.

Being vulnerable means that I get hurt. But I don't want to become jaded & mean. I don't want to become hard. I want to be soft. I want to protect my softness and cherish it. I want to become softer, not harder. I want to learn to be ok with the hurt, instead of shielding myself.

Sometimes the pain gets too much & I find myself lashing out. I find myself becoming hard & jaded to protect myself. I find myself saying "I don't care". But that's never true. I always care and I always want to care. I don't want to let them change me. They don't get to do that.

They don't get to hurt me so much that I become someone else. That I hurt them back. That I stop being the person I want to be. The person I love being. They don't get to take that away from me. They don't get to stop me from being soft and vulnerable. Happy and positive.

I want to focus on uplifting the people around me. On caring for them and loving them. On giving them encouragement and love, despite our differences, whenever that is possible. I want to be soft and vulnerable with them and for them and for myself.

I don't think fighting against bigotry, arguing with TERFs or racists is bad. I think it is incredibly important to stand up in the face of oppression & I don't believe kindness & forgiveness is always possible in those situations. Nobody ever owns their oppressors kindness.

I will never tell anyone else how to deal with these things nor will I judge people if they become hard. If they protect themselves from the hurt directed at them. If they lash out against their oppressors. I try to not judge myself in those moments either.

Nor will I forgive what others do to people around me. It is not my place and I will always defend others against bigotry and hate. I have absolutely no problem standing up for the people I love, for my community and neither do I have an issue with others doing the same.

I also know that I have limits. I have limits of how much empathy I can extend in a world filled with violence pain, before it breaks me. How much I can care before I get hurt so badly, that I need to pull back. That I burn out and start hurting myself instead of helping others.

When I feel myself slipping, when I become defensive and hard, I rely on others to help me take a step back and reevaluate what I am doing. To call me out and remind me of who I am and want to be. To help me become the person I want to be.

I am so grateful to have people in my life who show me the vulnerability & softness, the compassion & kindness that I want to show others. Who inspire me with their strength & empathy, to do better. Who question my decisions when I slip.

Y'all are incredible. I love you

I know this is all super corny. I know it's not cool. I know it's naive and sheltered. I know it's over the top and that if I wasn't a hormonal mess and it wasn't 3 am, I would probably not post this. But here we are