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Salutations folks
So, I decided to share some thoughts and feelings cuz they been buzzing around my mind lately
On one hand I’m doing I guess you could say self therapy to at least get the feelings out and on the other maybe it’ll help someone else who’s experiencing something similar
So it’s been a year and some change since I quit my job left Dallas for Tampa got a new and most impactful, lost my dad right?
I’ve said before last year was a rollercoaster and specifically last summer kicked my ass up and down in and out.
In that time I did and accomplished a few a things but one thing I haven’t knocked off my list is grieve.
So much was going on then and seemingly now I’ve never really sat down and fully processed it all. If it weren’t for the fact that I saw the body for brief second before nearly breaking down idk if I’d believe it.
From what I’ve seen and now experienced, everyone grieves differently. Some people are able to go through the steps immediately others it takes days weeks months and sometimes years. Clearly I’m starting to lean on the longer side of that.
One thing that I should’ve done (and am still in the process of doing) is seek some counseling but of course that not only means money spent but more terrifying, it means faces the demons and truth of it all.
That’s........not exactly something I feel I’m ready for yet I know I can’t keep putting off. Me and my dad parted ways on “better” terms than we’d had in my life but there was and is still A LOT that did and does bother tf outta me.
Namely who I wanted him to be to and for me and who he actually was. To put it nicely, in my eyes he didn’t live a life I’d ever want for myself. In turn his death has made me terrified that I could share the same fate.
That fear has trickled into my everyday life to the point where I question myself constantly and have had a severe loss of confidence.
I’ve spoken about it in private but that really has taken its toll on me. What’s more is because he and I didn’t have the best relationship it’s made it even harder for me to have a healthy relationship with that side of the family.
I already didn’t really grow up around them like that so the bond isn’t strong and it’s made me afraid of getting close because now the fear is what if I get close and then they die too. It just dominoes
Yeah it’s all bad as you can see. But I am trynna work on it albeit slower than I probably should.
But yeah I just wanted to share. Maybe you’re reading this and went through something similar or still are. Either way you’re not alone.
Maybe I’ll revisit this thread at a later date with some progress. So here’s to the process and growing pains.
