Thread by @Apothesis_, this is a long thread about something personal to me which happened [...]

this is a long thread about something personal to me which happened earlier. If you want to read through it go for it but ignore if you don& #39;t want to deal with it.

a little while ago I got into a dispute with at the time my friend group. This was particularly upsetting because they had decided to simply make a brash decision of essentially destroying the discord server, banning most everyone in it, and making a massive paragraph about how i

was a bad friend and everything, instead of taking things to my DMs which could have solved most things. Recently my irl best friend suggested I spoke and offered to play a game with him, the three of us, something we had taken great joy of in the past.
this is an issue for me,

because I still haven& #39;t gotten over out split. I still feel like a jackass because they had been complaining in the discord server which I had only interpreted as either joking when I saw it, or just not seeing it in general. Another issue is that one of the reasons they were

upset with me is something like this, and I& #39;m paraphrasing from memory so bear with me, "neglecting us, your real friends, for twitter people." which was something that hurt me a lot because at the time I had been just getting into the community and enjoyed talking to everyone

another thing is simply that I feel awful about all of it. I feel bad because I was a bad friend. The me ignoring them part they mentioned was because I was quite frankly in a very bad place at the time. It was around the time of my most recent attempt to end my life and i didnt

want to cause them any strife with dealing with that when i should have spoken to them about it.
The entire thing happened in the middle of a really bad breakdown as well which did not in any way make the entire thing feel better.
I want to post ss of the thing but I don& #39;t want

to have to look at it again. It just makes me feel awful for being a bad friend and i hate it. I want to make amends because I genuinely loved all of them. But at the same time I feel like I don& #39;t because they clearly didn& #39;t care enough about me to ask why I was ignoring them,

or if I was okay in general. I genuinely want to just make it all go away and be friends again, but I think that would mean losing all of you if I went with them and I can& #39;t have that, so I won& #39;t be doing anything.
I just feel like a fucking asshole still and idk what to do.

three of them have twitter accounts and I know two of them check semi-frequently, but otherwise i don& #39;t know.
I just feel lost and idk what to do it hurts so much.
I miss them so much and I just want to have what we used to have back, but I don& #39;t think that& #39;s possible anymore.

They broke ties with me and I don& #39;t think it& #39;s possible for me to go back to them, especially not if I still am on here and with you all. Not to mention the fact that you all have made me feel genuinely cared for by friends for the first time in a very long time and I cherish

that so much.
I think I will be feeling better later and will be able to function like a normal person eventually but now i just feel like a mess
thank you for reading this if you did, it means a lot to me.
I don& #39;t think I& #39;m up for talking about this so don& #39;t DM me over this.

thinking about it, only one of them ever offered to help me if I was going through something, and that was after everything was said and done.

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