D&D sunday and my mom's gnome bard has just bullied the stage crew into building a giant manticore cage for our restorative justice circle

there's a lot of technical theater going into this trap

*stage building montaaaage*

the bard is now conning fans of our fantasy pop star into helping build the cage, which has pissed off the stage crew because they're non-union

ugh, the bard is NON UNION, too. my mom is a SCAB BARD

oh, she's walking that back now, apparently she *is* union. thank chauntea!

"she's good on a picket rhyme," says my wife

pop star rogue: who's going to be good cop?
DM: there are no good cops
orc cleric: all fantasy cops are bastards

we're primarily a consent-based adventuring party, but we're kidnapping-flexible

"we swear on our lives that you won't be killed. unharmed we won't guarantee"

"this restorative justice circle won't work if you don't come into it with an open heart. you can't think about how you'll game the system later."
"just to be clear, are the manticores in the cage, or am i?"

wait, manticores have horrible tail barbs that they fire at people? what in the sam hill

oh no we've gotten into tavernwave

we've hired a crier to let people in the town know that we've invited some terrifying monsters to this concert. folks are… nonplussed

bard: we *got* a permit for the afterparty, you have to let them in.
town guard: well, i guess if you have a permit…

the friggin' manticores scalped the VIP passes we gave them! they really *are* lawful evil

let the restorative justice… begin!

rogue: it's helpful if we set some mutually agreed-upon ground rules for the discussion. please give us your names and preferred pronouns
manticores: *grumble*

the manticores are named manny, tia, and cora

human dude who caused all this, shouting from behind some crates: he/him is fine!

manticores: we would like to remove the partition
rogue: can you explain why?
manticores: it presents a barrier to clear communication
rogue: alfie, how do you feel?
alfie: absolutely not!

guys, i successfully conned my D&D party into running an honest to god restorative justice circle and i am cackling like a maniac

the manticores do not seem to be engaging in this process in good faith!

the rogue is now explaining the importance of using "i" statements and avoiding broad generalizations about manticores or humans

my cleric is trying to coach the fantasy frat bro through this

alfie: can you ask some of the manticores to leave?
rogue: all of the manticores who are here tonight had a personal connection to the manticore that was killed. ensuring the physical safety of every participant is one of our hardline principles

rogue: i don't want anyone to talk over each other, or to use their time to plan what they're going to say, but to really actively listen

still giving us a 70% chance of this ending in murder, but at least we're TRYING to have a dialogue, dangit

manticores are lawful evil, so i'm going to be really frosted if they attack after all this

the final rules for this rhetorical battle in our D&D campaign:

rogue: manticores, can you each please share your relationship with the deceased and what you hope to get out of this conversation?
manny: *lurks in dark corner growling*
rogue: we can't move forward with this process if all participants aren't fully engaged

manny: *growls* i would rather not
tia: DO IT
manny: we—I—and my friends have been tasked with a holy quest and—I— welcomed the opportunity to take a break from it to quest for vengeance. W—I—did not care much for the manticore that died

this is so good, you guys, this is EXCELLENT dungeoning and dragoning, we are so good at this

the rogue is giving a picard speech about the importance of justice over vengeance

bard: *starts playing 'we are the world' to keep everyone calm*

manticores: half of all his profits for the next ten years… and his first born
alfie: i'm not giving them my first born!
cleric: well make a counteroffer, then
rogue: this really isn't how this process normally works

short version here is the dead manticore was a smelly loser and the manticores were mostly bored with their quest and just wanted to take a vacation

manticore: we swore a blood oath to spill the blood of he who killed our companion
cleric: well, how much blood, specifically?
manticore: huh?
cleric: we could pull a pint of blood and spill it. each pint of blood you donate saves three lives

we've taken a break to bring in people from the city that have been personally affected by the manticores killing people

cleric: we could hook him up to the fantasy aphaeresis machine and get this done with in under an hour

oh, nuts, we inadvertently summoned an angry mob

rogue: no one in this circle should come armed
mob: boooooo!

bard: *soothing music intensifies*
rogue: we only need three of you

the town guards are now holding off a much bigger mob

we're tag teaming the DM HARD here to figure out this giant restorative justice circle-turned riot

a bunch of town guards are trying to bull their way inside and my cleric is having to bounce them

argh i am a giant hulking horse thief and i have never once won a strength contest. i am the Worf of this dang game

rogue: it's helpful to have some of the folks who have been impacted by what the manticores have done in vengeance speak. you'll need to agree to these rules to participate
guards: *grumble* *whisper* fine

RESTORATIVE JUSTICE RESUMES

the DM is trying to do names/pronouns/voices for ten different guards, and honestly he brought this on himself

the first guard lost his wife and the rest of the guards have been helping babysit his kids

second guard lost his fiance

this is a hilarious goddamn performance. i am in tears

third guard had her cousin picked up and dropped "the way he burst in front of me haunts me to this day"

we're on the fourth guard and third species by this point

my partner: i don't think we need to hear *all* ten stories…
me: no, it's vitally important we hear from everyone, and all their voices and backstories!
DM: *sigh*

fifth guard is Karl with a K and he has a pronounced swedish accent

they killed Karl-with-a-K's partner and left nothing but his legs behind!

surprising guest appearance by Carlton, your town guardsman

this is so mean of us, but i'm dying laughing

ingmar is new to town, and he's very lonely

"i hear the screams, but find only blood"

one of the guards is a fishman, and he had *just* started dating again

Oh, i should tag this thread so I can find it again #bellasquest

DM: how many is that?
bard: 8
DM: *siiiiiigh*

scraping the bottom of the barrel here with a gnome named "mumpina"

mumpina: they ate my entire family like popcorn. …are you *sure* violence isn't an option?

guard: hello, my name is heloise. oh, don't mind my horribly burned face, that has nothing to do with the manticores. they stepped on my dog.