Alright folks, let’s talk about accountability in two ways. I want to share:

1. A framework to create accountability in your life

2. One method to address instances of conflict or tension

I’m basing this on what I’ve learned about humans and what’s worked for me.

Oh, I should clarify that I mean accountability with regard to relationships, people, and identity.

I’m not really going to touch on routine/habits here.

Creating Accountability in Your Life

To be successful, you have to start with a decent foundation, and that is your mindset.

You have to have a genuine desire and willingness to grow and change yourself.

If you don’t think there’s anything to learn or improve, you won’t.

Then, homework: It’s essential to (1) take stock of who you are and (2) decide who you want to be.

Do a deep dive and query your past and present ideas.

Then define your purpose/your why/what guides you.

Moving forward, you must constantly question your nature and motivations.

Next: develop meaningful relationships with a *culturally-diverse* set of people.

The trust may not be at from Day 1, but it’s like a battery that can be charged or depleted.

Each interaction informs whether that battery’s charge increases or decreases.

I could write a whole thread on why the diversity part matters, but the short version:

The people who you surround yourself with help you build a mental model of the world. It’s what you base all decisions on.

More diversity = higher fidelity model of the world and how it works

You must build trust with these people (from here, I’ll call them your community).

It can be friends, family, co-workers, neighbors, teammates, people online who you become friends with offline, someone whi you met randomly but want to stay connected with...

It’s just important that it be a reciprocal relationship.

You both have to want to share some kind of commitment to “show up” for each other when needed.

That includes: being present, maybe doing favors for each other, but definitely having each other’s backs.

The people in your personal community are your “mirrors.”

They can reflect back to you who you are/how you are showing up, and... here’s the important part for accountability:

You need to allow them to point out when you are veering off-course from who you say you want to be.

When your mind is tuned to a place that’s open, and consistently willing to update how it perceives, interprets, and reacts to things... this feedback from others keeps you in check.

You improve when the people you allow to influence you are morally-aligned with strong, positive values that whose interests extend beyond themselves.

A few pro-tips and I’ll move on to part 2.

Believe other people’s experiences (trust in the moment, verify later if you need to).

Yes this runs some risk, but it’s worth it, and becomes less dangerous as you get better at identifying what bad faith/scammers/takers look like.

Regularly “break bread” with people unlike yourself

Make space for others

Use your power to lift up folks who are not where you are

Power grows not only from taking, but also GIVING. This is a positive, more resilient form of power that feels good for you + others.

Addressing Instances of Conflict or Tension

Listen. Mirror. Confirm. Validate.

This is a process that has taken me a while to do well.

It can feel super awkward at first, but gets easier and more natural with practice. It’s a skill.

Important: strong emotions in a tense moment can prevent you from accessing these tools.

We are animals, after all. It’s natural.

For this reason, it’s key to know how to scan yourself when you feel a change in your body and acknowledge when you’re in an activated state.

Exit the exchange respectfully and wait until you’re calm and thinking clearly to resume.

When I say “activated,” it’s basically to say that you’re in flight/fright/freeze mode, and experiencing whatever natural reactions your body is conditioned to have.

Ok back to the tools...

Listen. Mirror. Confirm. Validate.

LISTEN: this part can be tricky.

Listening is trying to immerse yourself into the mind, feelings, and experience of the other person.

It’s scanning for signals in their words, non-verbal cues + connecting it with what you know about them.

MIRROR: paraphrase and repeat back to the person what they said, without judgement.

I find that it helps to communicate that I’m attempting to understand what they’re saying and that I want to get it right.

CONFIRM: ask them if you understood it correctly. Was you interpretation what they meant?

If no, allow them to clarify. Go back to step 1 until you are in the same page.

You can also ask if there’s more they want to share, if you got it right.

This part is really hard when you disagree with what they are saying.

You have to keep your feelings in check respectfully acknowledge their reality.

You will feel an urge to start developing your counter argument and not listen. This is why it takes practice. It gets easier.

VALIDATE: get over yourself and acknowledge their feelings or perspective in the context of what they shared.

Again, this is really hard if they have hurt you and you feel strong emotions in the moment. But it’s important.

You are telling them that you believe them.

It’s a really key part of closing the loop for the other person.

Sometimes you have to dig deep for it, but what helps me remembering that everyone lives in a different reality, and *this reality* is true to the person who is talking.

Sometimes it’s not even about you.

We all tell ourselves stories to explain fears and traumas that are imprinted deep in our minds.

Those imprints have no perception of time. You could have triggered a pain from a person’s childhood without knowing.

Brains are complicated.

Once you’ve gone through all these steps you can then move to sharing your side, your reality, the stories you are telling yourself about the incident.

You can then move on to forming solutions for navigating the future.