I drunk tweet a lot about friendships I fuck up... but damn. my only motivator through my rapidly worsening Lyme and OCD through junior and senior years was my hope that like oh hey things really suck rn but I’ll get to have some fun times with my good friend! Dumb fuck

I was so scared I would develop sexual attraction and fuck things up so I let my OCD get chronic bc I was repressing ANY sexual thought and then I gave up hope but called her & she really went and had such a good convo I had hope for my survival... and I fucked that up... damn

I really thought drunk texting her would be like THE MOVE bc even though I already confessed my attraction “sober” aka hopped up on vitamins and shit but I was totally planning it like I was like like aww it will be cute I’m too anxious to express my emotions normally Dumb DUMB

Normally I would have grown past this level of over sharing but I am Very Drunk and also alone and she blocked me like a year ago so it’s fine she’s not. Gonna see it I’ve given up on the false hope that she’s somehow stalking my account I’m so sorry if you see this though

After I got high for like 5 months straight and convinced myself I had definitive proof reincarnation was real no one follows my twitter anymore so this is basically my diary now

and memory loss is wild because in my brain it's still april 2019 and I can't process the fact that the version of her I remember is non existent and she hates me irl and has had me blocked for well over a year now & anyway I don't know if I'm capable of love anymore

and the only times I felt love or had a crush previously it was non-sexual and I don't remember how authentic those emotions are especially the few times I've had crushes on men because I feel like after this my brain just gave up on love forever

i don't even remember what you look like but I miss the way you liked me i missed the way you laughed at my jokes and looked forward to seeing me just as much as i looked forward to seeing you, i felt like no one ever felt that way mutually... and that's been dead for a long time

the most beautiful thing was how i really felt like you enjoyed being around me almost as much as i enjoyed being around you, just i'd never had a mutual friendship like that before and i guess i went a little nuts and thought it was true love or some shit

anyway i'm dumb and if we've learned anything from this it's Hide Your Phone when You Get Drunk and I should be practicing what i preach goodnight see you in the morning when i delete this thread

also if you're one of the 2(3?) men i've had a crush on: i know you all follow me on here and you probably know who you are and even though i've been tweeting about being a lesbian for months you still really confuse my sexuality but i sure loved you once, in a way i am Unsure of