ok i need to sleep before i spiral about how blind i am i need new glasses so bad

i keep making jokes about it like it doesn't bother me, but i haven't seen clearly in almost 3 years? when i went homeless i had ONE contact in my left eye for 6 months, just to upgrade to glasses that don't work?? and i cant afford to pay for the ability to see properly?

like my income depends on me selling written readings, but 85% of the time i spend writing is me fighting to be able to see the laptop screen. i'm always going manic on twitter because i constantly feel like i'm on the verge of going blind and i can't do anything to fix it.

i'm not insecure because i think i'm ugly, i'm insecure because i haven't seen my own face clearly in 3 years. i don't know what i look like anymore because i can't see it. i am a blur to myself and there is nothing i can do about it. and it sucks because no one understands it.

i have brittle cornea ehlers danlos, my vision is far past 20/600, i am almost triple the requirement to classify as legally blind, and i cant collect disability because my blindness is part of a preexisting condition. i have to keep writing to MAYBE save up to pay for it myself.

but if one day i wake up and i cant write anymore, which i'm pretty sure has already happened due to my inability to focus on ANYTHING for longer than 2 seconds at a time, how am i supposed to pay for the ability to see? like what am i actually supposed to do?

am i supposed to give up and throw away these glasses and just accept that i'm going blind? am i supposed to beg for money on twitter just to spiral out of guilt because of it? at what point am i allowed to have a fucking break? for once?

i don't bring my issues onto this app, because the extent of them still feels like a hypochondriac dream to me. I'm missing part of my lung, i have bc-EDS, a rare genetic illness that affects my entire body's ability to create collagen (bad joints, muscles, bones)

I am LITERALLY going blind and actively convincing myself not to ask for help because other people need it more, because my mental illness refuses to acknowledge how much i've actually been through, including 6 lung-related near death experiences.

How can I know who I am if the world i live in is unexplainable? How can i find a solution to a problem I myself can't solve, but other people aren't capable of recognizing? How can I seek help within a system built to leave me on my own to die?

And I'm not expecting interaction or pity, because I know how these things go. Y'all just don't have the answer I'm looking for, and neither do I.

These disabilities are my own responsibilities to carry, and the reality of them make able-bodied people uncomfortable. This thread is uncomfortable. From the second I was born, this thread is the product of being told I lost value to a system built to help people like me. ~