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ok i need to sleep before i spiral about how blind i am i need new glasses so bad
i keep making jokes about it like it doesn& #39;t bother me, but i haven& #39;t seen clearly in almost 3 years? when i went homeless i had ONE contact in my left eye for 6 months, just to upgrade to glasses that don& #39;t work?? and i cant afford to pay for the ability to see properly?
like my income depends on me selling written readings, but 85% of the time i spend writing is me fighting to be able to see the laptop screen. i& #39;m always going manic on twitter because i constantly feel like i& #39;m on the verge of going blind and i can& #39;t do anything to fix it.
i& #39;m not insecure because i think i& #39;m ugly, i& #39;m insecure because i haven& #39;t seen my own face clearly in 3 years. i don& #39;t know what i look like anymore because i can& #39;t see it. i am a blur to myself and there is nothing i can do about it. and it sucks because no one understands it.
i have brittle cornea ehlers danlos, my vision is far past 20/600, i am almost triple the requirement to classify as legally blind, and i cant collect disability because my blindness is part of a preexisting condition. i have to keep writing to MAYBE save up to pay for it myself.
but if one day i wake up and i cant write anymore, which i& #39;m pretty sure has already happened due to my inability to focus on ANYTHING for longer than 2 seconds at a time, how am i supposed to pay for the ability to see? like what am i actually supposed to do?
am i supposed to give up and throw away these glasses and just accept that i& #39;m going blind? am i supposed to beg for money on twitter just to spiral out of guilt because of it? at what point am i allowed to have a fucking break? for once?
i don& #39;t bring my issues onto this app, because the extent of them still feels like a hypochondriac dream to me. I& #39;m missing part of my lung, i have bc-EDS, a rare genetic illness that affects my entire body& #39;s ability to create collagen (bad joints, muscles, bones)
I am LITERALLY going blind and actively convincing myself not to ask for help because other people need it more, because my mental illness refuses to acknowledge how much i& #39;ve actually been through, including 6 lung-related near death experiences.
How can I know who I am if the world i live in is unexplainable? How can i find a solution to a problem I myself can& #39;t solve, but other people aren& #39;t capable of recognizing? How can I seek help within a system built to leave me on my own to die?
And I& #39;m not expecting interaction or pity, because I know how these things go. Y& #39;all just don& #39;t have the answer I& #39;m looking for, and neither do I.
These disabilities are my own responsibilities to carry, and the reality of them make able-bodied people uncomfortable. This thread is uncomfortable. From the second I was born, this thread is the product of being told I lost value to a system built to help people like me. ~
