Society likes a happy ending. It doesn’t really know what to do about the endings that aren’t.

These are victims who are still living the abuse even though they are no longer with their abuser.

Invisible voices

THREAD

#domesticabuse
#coercivecontrol
#fear #trauma
#DVAM2020

Firstly, the invisible voices don’t feel like survivors. Yes, they may have left the relationship but the vestiges of that relationship still dominate their lives.

They may not be trapped in body, but they are still trapped in mind.

So they are unable to move on.

This could be for a variety of reasons:
The biggest one, certainly the one I hear about most often is how victims can’t get the support they need. And this might be because they can’t access any support AT ALL

Either because of waiting lists, or lack of resources in their area.

Or the resources that ARE available weren’t adequate.

What, you weren’t fixed after 6 sessions of CBT?
But CBT fixes everything!!

Or you were given a list of therapists to try who you either:

- Couldn’t afford

- Were too far away.

I mean, who wants to drive home 60 miles, crying after a session?

Or get public transport?

Or you had exhausted all the help that was available and were told that there was nothing left.

So you were signed off.

And felt dismissed.

And left feeling as though you had failed because the support you were given had not been what you needed.

Or you were told you were too traumatised for therapy.

Just. What.The.Actual. F....

Or you were oversold.

“ Yes, I can help you”
“ Yes, you WILL feel better.”

“ If you sign up for XYZ, it will help you heal”

And you found out that it didn’t.

But you kept on trying. Until you ran out of money.

But non of these practitioners who oversold themselves could admit that their therapies didn’t work.

So they blamed you. And made you feel you were broken.

They made you feel unfixable because they couldn’t fix you.

And you came away believing that. REALLY believing that.

And you need to find out, BY YOURSELF, that you CAN get past this.
That you’re NOT broken.
That you’re NOT a failure.
That you’re NOT damaged goods.

That your past does NOT define you

After not being able to access adequate support, the next thing I hear about a lot is the fear of entering another relationship.

Often family and friends don’t understand this. They want you to be in another relationship and will often try and arrange dates for you, or encourage you to go out , or go online.

Society likes people to be in relationships.

If you aren’t in a relationship, you are seen as faulty.
To be in another relationship is seen as a mark of having moved on from the abuse.

And if you haven’t you’re somehow flawed.

Society wants you to leave the abuser and then find someone else, someone who is amazing, who makes you realise what love is, what life can REALLY be like.

Leave your frog to find your prince.

THESE are the stories society values.

Not the many many stories of victims who don’t feel like they have survived but who ARE surviving.

Despite the abuse they experienced
Despite the lack of support they could access
Despite the uphill battle they face EVERY DAY just to get through the day, to the next.

These are the stories of EVERY DAY SURVIVAL.

Of getting through each day and STILL being able to have hope.

Of knowing that you have to work on yourself before you can be with another person and knowing that, without support, it WILL be a long journey.

And being ok with that.