The amount of times a day I put myself down unconsciously, and consciously as well, I really should go to some place to seek help. I have so much impulse to try and help others with their problems and was the therapist to my past therapist but it just gets to mentally tiring.

I don't feel the need to care for my own well being unless I come out of feeling numb which happens so often that I'm used to it. I try to get things done and be productive with talking with friends and doing my school work but at times my head just stops everything.

My shocking lack of motivation has mainly stemmed from my depression but the fact that it takes so long to get to my stuff, I can't talk with others for as long as I want to. Last year and the very beginning of this school year, I was actively completing things, +

even more than I generally had to do for that day. Now, I can't get as much done even on possibly the worst year so far to do it. As a freshman in highschool, I should do what I have to and get things done in time. It's just too hard to force something that I have trouble +

forcing. It is just really tiring and even more mentally draining than what I would like to admit. Like, I put off a English assignment for an essay on a book but my mom is forcing me to do it. Who said I even had the emotional stability to get out of bed fast?

It's just too much because I wish to talk to friends how they talk, the general happy way, but when I do it just turns monotonous. It's not like I don't try because I do, admittedly too much, but it's not easy to act happy when I'm really not.

So I'm having yet another midnight existential crisis and it's way more tiring than I would like to admit. I'm just tired of thinking at this point. If the only thing it's going to do is hurt me then why do I do it? Also, I'm too scared to bring up to my parents about my need +

again to have a therapist. We don't have enough money for it and we would need to save up money to live and get computers that actually work quickly without lagging. Even though I know that I can't handle my mind alone and need a therapist, it's just way too much to bring up.

Also, to @Bloomdotwav, I'm so sorry for not responding to our RP on the server. Because of my basic rant previously in this thread, my mind is being absolutely idiotic. I'm terribly sorry and hope that you will forgive me. I'm also sorry if I pinged you at a bad time,,,,,