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Imma gonna assume that after we make it thru the black hole from hell, a lot more people are going to be on medication aimed at mental health. A lot will feel that it’s a sign of weakness. Some will deny the need. Most will end up hurting the ones they desperately wanted to
Protect. Everyone whose already on them have already been in your shoes. There will be nothing new. Some will feel sick. Happens at the beginning until your system gets used to it. Some feel even worse, suicidal. That one you need to make sure everyone hears. It’s not supposed
To feel like that. Some will go thru tweaking, raising or lowering dosage. You will begin to feel really weird. Your emotions don’t go away. They still happen. Those that have panic attacks are the ones I’m used to. I can still have them. But, instead of just reacting to emotions
I can actually step back, take a look, think about it, and walk away, only commenting that yep, that’s fucked up. It’s weird. There’s a disconnect that happens. It doesn’t take them away. It gives you a moment to pause and think. For me, my chest pains feel the same. Which, I
Find funny. Because the feeling of a panic attack and a heart attack are the same. The only difference is that with one, you wake up. The other one has family members start planning your last big get together. Some things change. For me, some flavors of food changed. A bit weird.
But, I adjusted. Chocolate stayed good, so I was good. I didn’t have that manic high, where I bounced off walls and made things worse. I could actually think about if what I’m doing is a bad idea. Truth, now. It DID not stop me from doing it. Usually, all it did was confirm for
Me that it was a really bad idea. Fun fact, people who have,not only anxiety issues, but ptsd, have some of the best stories. Usually, there are 3 main living conditions for the Uber fucked up ptsd, with a sprinkling of other mental and physical disorders. 1. You exist, but try
Your hardest to not trigger anything. You don’t trust yourself or others. You live alone. 2. You develop the strongest and usually most offensive gallows humor possible. Because, hey, you survived that crap. And, if anyone gets a right to laugh at your admittedly stupid past,
It’s you. You find humor in everything. This is not always good. Sometimes, you’re just trying to hide from some really deep emotional shit you’re not ready to face. No one laughs at those. Or 3. You become this mega rage monster, set to go off over anything. You’ll decide
Owning every military style weapon is the only thing you have to keep the monsters away. Instead of figuring out who the monsters are, you just shoot everyone. Numbers 1 and 2 have the best survival rate. But, only after years on counseling. It’s not a disease you find a cure for
It’s finding a new way to live with yourself, for the others you love. If you don’t have anyone worth getting yourself under control so you don’t hurt them, it doesn’t end well. And, you can use yourself as someone you don’t want to hurt. Number 3 ends with you on CNN and MSNBC,
And every news franchise, about how the signs were there, but no one recognized them. And, some of the counseling sucks. Actually, most of it does. Honestly, if I’ve managed to shove some horrible nightmare down a deep rabbit hole in my soul, there might be a really good reason.
Just saying. But, honestly? I’ve discovered that I’m stronger, dumber, funnier, and more alive then I ever was. And, I’ve even managed to survive some really intense side effects. Your dreams become so much more vivid and intense. I had dreams that still have me questioning shit.
I had dreams that I was flying in a 2 seater open plane, and I didn’t have my seatbelt on. My mom was flying, and would do barrel rolls. I would fall out, and when I almost hit the ground, my mom would fly under and catch me. I’m not sure if that’s even possible. But, all I know,
Is that I woke up rightfully pissed at my mom for trying to kill me. I had another one where I was on a roller coaster, seatbelt on, and going on the ups downs, turns, upside downs, all good. But, the highlight was where you hit the water and turn upside down. Mom at the controls
Again. Stopped it when I was under water. Right before I died of drowning, she would start it up again. Yes, I recognize the deeper meaning in this about my mom. At the time, I would wake up pissed. I would even call her up and yell at her for trying to kill me. For me, it was
Real. It did level out.i dreamed I was a character in old sitcoms. I enjoyed those. Kinda sad that it ended before I got to be in my favorite one. The Andy Griffith Show. I really wanted to be in that one. Anyway, the gist of this ramble is that if you can only see how horrible
It is right now, with work it gets way better. From believing I was gonna die before 30, I’m happily married for over 25 years. I have a wonderful daughter, who married a good man, who gave me two of the most unique grandchildren the world has ever seen. Bad shit still happens,
But, I know what to do now, to survive it. So, don’t give up. Don’t accept the horrible going on now. It’s not just you. It’s all of us as well. You’re not alone. Life may suck now. But, it won’t always. And, if you need to vent something ridiculous or bad, or painful, we’ve got
Experience of listening. From feeling as if I deserved what happened to me, and thinking I’ll be alone forever, I’ve gone to throwing that shit back at my abusers, and gathered me a real family around me. And,I know lots more people who have also.
