OK fam, once more unto the breach I go...

The host is introducing the event with all the excitement of a late night train driver announcing that we'll be delayed at Swindon station for an indefinite period due to a signal failure.

Apparently "due to an amazing level of interest" it is being streamed onto YouTube as well as "over a dozen Facebook pages!".

I bet you someone is probably trying to organise an 'Oh, Jeremy Corbyn' chant in the chat as we speak.

So there have been 550 views of this since October 21. Less like Glastonbury then, more Labour Live.

I just checked, the most boring video on YouTube has 874k views and that's literally just a video of a guy named Randall talking direct to camera for nearly 2 hours about word processing.

I'm only two minutes in and I'm starting to think Randall might have some competition.

Plug for the “People’s Plan” which has 11k members signed apparently. I tried googling it, but there seem to be several million different ones. Maybe you should have named it something less generic comrades? Socialist’s are not big on marketing, I get it, but still, come on!

I think I found it (after a few tries). Just having a quick skim now...

So… it’s just like a vague set of demands. It’s not a plan.

It reads like something that was regurgitated out of the drunken remnants of a 24-hour sit-in protest at Goldsmith's.

If it were a building plan, it would be a blank set of blueprints with a sticky note on it with “build castles in the sky” written in crayon. Red crayon.

The ‘People’s Plan’ is hosted on Google Forms. Well done comrades. Nothing says ‘smash capitalism’ and ‘up the workers’ more than handing over your personal details to MegaData Harvesting & Tax Avoidance Incorporated.

Finally, I think the train conductor is getting ready to pull us out of Swindon and introduce us to Graceland. I'm not positive because her lack of enthusiasm is as constant as the Morning Star.

“The Amazing Grace Blakeley” sounds like the worst superhero franchise ever.

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? No it’s Superposh!

I don’t know if it’s just because I grew up poor, but when I hear Grace’s accent, I immediately check to see if I have soot on my face.

Hearing her voice is like getting hit by a Waitrose lorry full of organic free-range foie gras. It hurts, your legs are broken, but you also feel like you somehow deserved it and should shut up like the wretched peasant you are.

I think this is Grace’s sister.

Grace gets the grift in early. She wants us to know that we can pre-order her book. Verso, of course. Imagining hundred-year-old trees being felled and then having the indignity of ending up as one of her books. SMDH

I hope the trees fight back. Now that's a Green New Deal I can get behind.

Hearing someone who pronounces lockdown ‘lawwwkdawwn’ wanging on about “the bosses” is a surreal experience.

I’m imagining her commentating a darts tournament. ‘Waaan-Hawwwwndrawwwd-awnd-Eiyghteee.’

Received pronunciation and posh Oxfordian affectations aside, she speaks the language of the people: “We’ve seen a precaritisation of work… so we need a plan that is based around the principles of the socialisation of ownership”.

That’s just what my mum used to say to me when she explained why I couldn’t have new clothes and had to wear my cousin’s shitty hand-me-downs.

I think all of Grace's favourite words end in '-ise'. Nationalise, socialise, democratise.

Grace wants to "democratise the economy" by "empowering the trade union movement", which sounds nice on paper until you look at who some of the leaders of our biggest trade unions are.

Only a fraction of the working population are members of trade unions, whereas 7 times as many people voted for who they want to govern the country.

Putting Len 'Mood Music' McCluskey in the Treasury meetings isn't "democratising the economy", Grace. It's empowering people who think Jews should just go count their gold.

I think she also has a penchant for words that end in "-ation". Decarbonisation, democratisation, socialisation of wealth. She only ever speaks in vague terms of what any of that means.

"What we really need to do is build power".

You know what builds power? Winning elections. Crazy, I know.

Oh God, she's about to "hand over to Becky".

The host now seems almost slightly animated. Grace was "totally fantastic".

'Becky' is being introduced as a "completely formidable campaigner".

I think RLB would struggle to defeat Randall in a livestreamed word processing duel.

"I think people still, like, eh... underestimate to what extent, like, Labour with Becky, based in her shadow-based role was like, totally, like, people around the world were, like, amazed at how brilliant those policies were..."

Going to take a wee matzo break. There's only so much I can take. Back soon.

I'm back and Becky is now also flogging Grace's book. She is telling Grace that she'll be plagiarising it for her speeches in Parliament. This gets a thumbs up from Grace because she likes words like plagiarise because it has an '-ise' in it, and also because RLB has no ideas.

RLB's slagging off quantitative easing. When rates are at or near 0%, there is little else a central bank can do except QE. They use the extra money to buy government bonds which lowers government borrowing costs making it possible to fund evil things like, er, furlough.

She's rightly raising the many faults in Government policy, Greater Manchester issues, the self-employed falling through the cracks, etc. Quantitative easing is not one of those faults though Becky.

Can't fault her criticisms of the Covid handling. It's been a shitshow.

You CAN fault her pie-in-the-sky socialist wishlist of spending. She has yet to mention one way to raise money. Just lots of spending plans that essentially can be summed up as 'nationalise all the things'.

"Just to take everybody back to depression again...".

RLB is claiming that Rishi stole the name 'Green Industrial Revolution' "from us". "That was ours first," she insists without mentioning the specific Labour person who coined it in the UK context... #awkward

Arise co-ordinator Matt is on now to ask for donations with a voice that sounds like he's speaking from his home planet of Vogsphere Alpha 9 with its helium-rich atmosphere.

Don't sell yourself short Matt. They really aren't more interesting than you. Shine on you crazy diamond!

Now it's open to questions. One questioner asks what they can do besides wait till the next election to win. Grace and RLB are obviously experts at winning.

Grace is answering first. This is a person who used to be a New Statesman Economics Commentator and IPPR Research Fellow but is now a lowly Tribune writer and book floggerer on Zoom calls. #OhHowTheMightyHaveFallen #Disgrace

You could even say, she's had a fall from Grace.

Grace: "The Left still has a lot of power in the Labour Party".

I just realised how much Bert reminds me of Richard Burgon.

RLB thinks it is effective to "bombard them [MPs] with emails" as it makes them "jittery".

Perhaps we should test that out by bombarding RLB's emails with requests that she apologise for describing Maxine Peake as an "absolute diamond" over an interview where she promoted an antisemitic conspiracy theory that has previously inspired people to kill Jews?

Just saying... https://members.parliament.uk/member/4396/contact

If I hear the word "movement" one more time, I'm going to have a movement.

Oh good, it's nearly over.

The next Arise event will be November 5th featuring the Jezzia and Rafael Correa of Ecuador. I think I'll have to live tweet that.

I'm expecting that Jeremy will want to show off his Spanish in the beginning. Who's taking bets?

This is supposed to be the hopeful message... Grace: "The conditions that gave rise to Corbynism, Sanders in the US, etc. have not gone away." That's not a hopeful message for the Left. Both of those movements ended in failure. Spectacular failure. With fireworks and bells on.

Oh God, she said movement again. I'm glad this isn't a drinking game.

Actually, it would be so much more pleasant if it was a drinking game. This has been a hard slog.

Grace's 'hopeful message' is that things are going to get "worse, and worse, and worse, and as long as that happens, people will fight back against them." Never met a socialist who didn't love a crisis.

"The Left is on the right side of history," Grace Blakeley, Tribune Staff Writer and floggerer of books.

RLB: "We have fantastic plans. We've been working on the plans for five years. We have fantastic economists such as Grace..."

RLB: "Change is coming, as they say."

Oh no. She didn't just do that. Yes she did. She really did. Grace gave the raised fist salute. So cringe.

My tl;dr in a tweet: We must build movements. Many movements. All the movements. We love moving. We can then 'subsume' them into one movement. Our movement. We have plans. We want good things. We're against bad things. This means we'll win. Last time doesn't count. Raise a fist.

Thank you for reading. Please raise a fist in solidarity with poor wretched matzos who waste their lives watching Crank TV. Solidarity comrades and buenas noches.