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ADHD is still incredibly misunderstood. I went 19 years undiagnosed with ADHD even though in hindsight, the signs were glaringly obvious. This is a thread of those signs:
I struggled remembering directions. When my teacher would give me a list of tasks, I would always forget what I was supposed to be doing by the second or third task and get really overwhelmed. In third grade, my teacher wanted to hire someone to “help me follow directions”
I talked a lot in class. I still do. I was never disruptive or “rowdy,” but I was always an active participant. Talking and participating was (and still is) the only way I can stay present with the lesson without “zoning out.”
I zoned out when people were talking to me. I would hear the words but I wouldn’t understand them, and I would always feel guilty afterwards. I found ways to nod along and say little things to make it seem like I was comprehending their words though I “wasn’t there.”
I felt restless. I attributed this restlessness to anxiety for a long time, but it was different. I was never typically “hyperactive” but I was also never completely still. I bounced my legs and cracked my knuckles and braided my hair and picked at the threads in my socks
I could never just sit in class. I cannot emphasize this enough. I could never just BE.
I felt like I was working twice as hard as my classmates just to stay afloat academically. I knew I was smart, but I didn’t FEEL like I was. I felt like an IMPOSTER. People were always telling me I was “gifted,” but all of my “gifted” peers excelled ahead of me.
Okay, so this is a big one: I never understood how my peers could balance academics and extracurriculars and homework and chores and social lives all at once. Just taking normal classes and maintaining a couple of friendships was hard to keep up with.
I could never take AP classes. It wasn’t that the material in and of itself was hard, but the effort it took to stay focused and on top of my work was EXHAUSTING. And at the end of the day, I didn’t have the energy to do anything else but scroll through my phone.
I got INTO THINGS. Other kids could just watch TV shows. I watched TV shows and they consumed my life. I drew fan art and wrote fanfiction and thought about the characters all the time. I drove my friends up the wall ranting about obscure plot lines and ‘fun facts.’
When I was 12, someone told me I had an “overwhelming personality.” That stuck with me for years. It struck me right in the place I was most insecure. I felt like I was “too much.” I got too excited about things that didn’t really matter. I cared too much.
I didn’t realize that I was hyperfixating. When I was really into something, I could hone in and focus on it for hours. But there was a flipside: if something didn’t immediately spark my interest, it was almost impossible for me to get work done.
I was never a ‘reader.’ I wasn’t one of those “gifted” kids who read book after book after book. I loved being READ TO, but reading words on a page was an effortful chore, unless I was reading something that I was immediately hooked by.
I’m still a slow reader. It can take me an hour to read 10 pages. It’s easy to read the words, but it’s so effortful to actually COMPREHEND and DIGEST what they MEAN. Sometimes I have to read the words out loud multiple times before I understand them.
I’m REALLY BAD at making decisions. Like, REALLY BAD. I always have been. I’m just an indecisive person. And I didn’t attribute that to ADHD until I started doing my own research.
RSD! Rejection sensitive dysphoria! That’s another fuckin thing I didn’t know existed! I’ve always had a REALLY HARD TIME taking criticism. It’s not that I’m not receptive to feedback, it’s just that I get really upset by any criticism or rejection.
Once in 2nd grade my teacher politely asked me to keep my voice down and I started crying. I didn’t want to disappoint her. I wanted her to like me. It took me 3 years to get over my first relationship because I convinced myself that if one person couldn’t love me, no one would
And finally, this is gonna sound tacky, but I don’t know how else to put it: I always felt different. I knew I didn’t think quite like everyone else, but I never knew why. Even with my mental illness diagnoses, I felt like I was missing a piece to my Brain Puzzle.
These are just my own experiences. ADHD looks different in everyone. I just want to put that as a disclaimer
I hope this helps some people. Being undiagnosed is awful. It really just sucks, and figuring out what’s “going on” is always a tremendous weight off your shoulders.
If you have to self diagnose, that’s okay! Self diagnosis an act of self care. And often times it’s the first step toward getting the professional medical help you need.
I also do this.
@AdhdBri @ADHD_Alien are some of my absolute favorite accounts
