Jusmiyo, tonight's episode of Gaya Sa Pelikula got me thinking about how much I hate being told what to do. Like, I really value my freedom to choose what I can and cannot do. Especially in a relationship.

Daming flashbacks of countless arguments because I'm a stubborn bitch.

Bilang people pleaser, marami rami na rin akong napagdaanang mga karelasyon who I bent over backwards for. Twisted myself into a fucking pretzel to suit their preferences. Stuffed myself into a cookie cutter just to fit into my partners' image of an ideal partner.

And, it's so fucking tiring to keep altering yourself just to find out that no matter how much effort you exert eh iiwan at iiwan ka pa rin because you're just not "the one" for them.

Tapos, ayun. Ending, mag-isa mo na lang pupulutin yung pira-piraso mong sarili. Ni isa dun sa pirasong pupulutin mo, hindi mo na kilala. Kasi hindi naman ikaw yun. Yun yung Build-A-Bear na binuo nung nangiwan sayo.

Ang minahal niya eh yung imahe mo na nasa utak lang niya nabubuhay. Hindi yung tunay na ikaw. Hinubog ka lang niya sa kung ano ang ideyal para sa kanya, hindi yung potensyal na bersyon mo bilang isang idibidwal.

Naka pattern ka lang sa isang checklist from ThoughtCatalog.

Despite being a people pleaser, I've learned to be a little more selfish than I used to. I do shit that make me happy. I stopped changing myself to suit their preferences. I've started doing it for myself. To be the version of myself that I want to become.

Kasi, kahit anong pilit mo sa akin na maging sweeter, maging clingier, maging whatever the hell you deem me not enough, I wouldn't do it. Because hindi ako yun. At pagod na akong ibase kung ano pagkatao ko sa kung ano ang gusto ng mga tao.

I might not show my sweetness through grand gestures like in the movies, but I swear, I try to compensate by doing things my way.

I walk on the side of incoming traffic, para mapatawid kita nang matiwasay. I'd give you the pickles from my cheeseburger kahit paborito ko yun.

Minsan naman, siyempre pagbibigyan ko yung gusto nila. Pero choice ko na yun. Kung paano, kung kailan, kung gaano kadalas. Nasa akin yung desisyon kung ano at hanggang saan ang kaya kong ibigay. At hindi dahil nautos sa akin yung isang bagay.

The point of this thread... has been lost... I don't know why I even started writing this.

I'm just... spiralling down into another blackhole.

So, yeah. Ayun lang.