A PhD student at Notre Dame sent me this piece yesterday. I'd like to say a few things in response. (long thread)

My experience at Notre Dame is not a “false narrative.” The truth is, I had to choose between my career and my family. https://slate.com/human-interest/2020/10/motherhood-at-notre-dame-catholicism.html via @slate

First and foremost, the senator from Iowa is incorrect to say that women can do it all. We cannot. As I mention in my own piece, mothers of large families have help in a variety of forms. Only two of my kids went to daycare, which was offered by my university at a low cost.

In grad school I had four kids with no maternity leave. After Gianna's birth, I was back in the classroom five days later. My husband, friends, and family made this possible. Everyone who cared about me pitched in to help me out and support me. I didn't do it all by myself.

I was a grad student, so the idea that I succeeded because I had alot of money is ridiculous. What I had was a network. Unlike this author, I did have amazing health insurance as a grad student at Pitt. This matters! I had excellent care and paid nothing for it.

In fact, I had better health insurance as a grad student than anything I've had since. Once I moved to Chicago, it was terrible, and I had two more kids there (I was still a grad student, but I was working for a non profit in Hyde Park during this time--still no maternity leave)

But I had an amazing Catholic employer @LC_Institute who supported me and helped me do my job with newborns and toddlers. I had far more support as an employee with them than as a grad student at Pitt. This support mattered! I love you, @LC_Institute!!

Still, at this time in our lives, we had no real financial security. We had a young child with autism with insurance that didn't cover most of his therapies (we were in therapies 4X-5X a week in those days). We were bleeding out money. It was awful.

Again, what got us through all that was incredible support from friends and family. My brother used to take my kids for days so I could write; my friends and I had cobbled together a caregiving network. I slept, on average, four hours a day. These years were *very* hard.

So, I agree with the author that women can't do it all. We should question that narrative because its not true for men or women. And we should fight, politically, for more support for mothers in academia and for more maternity leave and better healthcare.

Women need to be able to imagine themselves as mothers and as professionals if they choose to pursue both. Young women do need models here to imitate and they are few and far between. I had very few! Employers need to be flexible and respond creatively to the needs of parents

But I disagree that ACB is the exception to the rule or that women face these false dichotomies. I know so many women like her--I am like her!! Let's build a world where it isn't so difficult but let's not stipulate that it is impossible either. That is a dangerous message.

I've been flooded with messages from women since I wrote my piece with USA Today, and 99% of them expressed gratitude. (responses from men are a different story). Many were young women, desperate for a model and for encouragement that their aspirations are not misdirected.

To those young women I want to say this: the road for me was hard and full of mistakes but worth it. Don't give up!! Don't be ashamed to ask for help. You can't and shouldn't try to do it all (read your Augustine!), but you can muddle through somehow with grace.

I also want to resist the false choice between personal networks of support and institutional support. It can and should be both. Let's work to build and sustain that world together.

Finally, I'd like to say to the author of the piece that I am sorry she was not supported in the ways she needed to be. I hope for more for our daughters.

*End thread*