All right. Gonna talk for a sec about the "my close personal friend" card.

We've talked about the "But I have ___ friends!" defense and why it's shitty. But we also need to talk about claiming the friendship/endorsement of random marginalized acquaintances.

I'm bringing this up now because it has not just happened so I won't have to field any "what do you MEAN we're not friends!?" emails from some coworker or distant acquaintance.

But it's a fairly common pattern and I know it's not just me--I've seen people do it to others.

The difference between this and "but I have ___ friends!" is that when playing the "close personal friend" card, people name a specific person--a colleague, a fellow club member or volunteer, a member of an org they're in. And it puts that person in an extremely awkward position.

Citing or boosting someone's work, talking about how you respect/admire/have learned from them--these are normal things. But there's a difference between that and "my close personal friend [marginalized activist] sees past our differences."

First off, are you sure that person is your friend? Because being cordial to you in group settings does not mean they like or respect you, or think of you as a friend.

If they actually are your friend--they can endorse you themself if they want to.

I know as I'm saying this that socially anxious folks (hi) already worry constantly that their friends find them annoying and don't really like them. But I am talking about lopsided relationships where you think of someone as your friend when really they're the only ___ you know.

There are no diagnostic criteria for friendship. But in broad strokes--do you actually hang out with this person? Do you know their goals and dreams? Have they said to you "I consider you a friend," or "I know we disagree on x but I still respect you?"

Marginalized people are often not in a position to say "actually you make me uncomfortable" or "I find you exhausting" because we're the ones that get labeled rude/unprofessional/a problem if we enforce our boundaries. But just because we're cordial doesn't mean we're friends.

So if you're in a position of privilege or power over someone, please pause before you put words in their mouth in public.

If they think you're an ally or one of the good ones or 'respectfully' disagree or similar, they can say so themselves.