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So big news. Not a diagnosis like I thought, not until I get it in the mail from them anyway. BUT they did tell me I had a mass trigger for my ptsd and new trauma. They also told me that I have an illness of some wack name that I don’t remember, where my depression does NOT leave
I have depression that lingers and heightens my emotions. They told me my anger and etc was “not a fault of my own”. They told me people in my state are normally put in a ward, AND THEY ALMOST PUT ME IN ONE TODAY I WAS SCARED SHITLESS THAT THEY WERE GONNA PUT ME IN ONE
The only reason they didn’t is because I don’t have a plan, but only have in the past and don’t have one YOU KNOW RIGHT NOW. They did tell me though that if ANYTHING happened they would put me on suicide watch so they’re up my ass right now
Out of all of it though. Them telling me my behavior wasn’t my own because I had so much going on and was mentally on the edge was. Validating. It was. So good to be heard and understood. To be told I’m a human being and just can’t handle anything else.
They did tell me I need to make a support group and that I need to learn to trust. That it was bad from my moms view I was completely normal, but from my view I’m literally at rock bottom and not explaining my emotions or talking about them.
They want me back in counseling SOON. The lady said she was worried about me, that I matter, and that I’m loved. I almost cried in there because NO ONE has been hearing me or understanding what I’ve been going through. They all think I’ve just been being mean and a ass
And every time I’ve tried to explain I’ve been shut down or been told no matter what you go through you can be nice, and to a degree that’s true. But when it gets to the point to whee your own life means so little to you, why be nice? I didn’t want to be attached to anyone if-
-if I really decided to...in nice words leave life. I didn’t want to hurt anyone and I pushed them away. I was told that with my childhood that was understandable and I still need to get through my trauma.
She told me that people that were supposed to raise me, or be family, broke my trust over and over. Violated me time and time again and it makes sense that it’s hard for me to get close to people and trust them, let alone explain my feelings.
And my anger is because of pent up feelings and methods I was taught by my dad. I learned a way to “survive” and I’m in a “toxic loop” with myself, where I abuse myself emotionally and physically because it’s what I’m used to and new trauma wiped away ALL of my recovery
A year of therapy, gone. Because moving to college was the most traumatic shit I’ve ever been through and it broke me into nothing. I don’t even want to GET into everything else that happened AT THE SAME TIME. I’m so sorry for rambling on here I just-
-I’m so fucking happy that someone heard me and didn’t blame me. They told me I wasn’t and I’m still not okay. And saying and knowing these things doesn’t MEAN that I’m not sorry for the way I’ve treated and hurt people.
I would NEVER dismiss someone whose been hurt by me, let alone anyone. I understand word hurt like HELL, and that people reacting negatively hurts like shit. ALTHOUGH I feel like people need to understand that I don’t understand exactly what I’ve done.
That I don’t remember a lot of what I’ve done wrong. And that I do remember, hurts to remember, because I know I didn’t mean it and I know the pain i was in and STILL am in. I know I’m in this loop but I have no grasp on it and can’t hear myself.
Which leads to the next thing. They say I dissociate badly, and a lot. Which is part of the reason why I DONT remember the things I’ve done and why I can’t apologize correctly. Because I was on autopilot and couldn’t understand or see the end product of the shit I was doing.
For example. I get in an argument, and something hurts me. I take it personally, because I am a “suspicious person” (as the doc said, I’m very nervous about people’s intentions. I’m hyper aware and unsure of my own emotions as they said).
And once it hurts, I stop being there. I hear my thoughts saying “don’t say/do that” but I watch myself do it. But I’m too busy thinking about what did I do in the past? Are they going to hate me? Etc etc so lost in my own thoughts that I don’t HEAR/SEE what I’m saying to ppl
And it hurts. Because I don’t see how I hurt them at that time. I’m not thinking about the aftermath. My brain “isn’t wired that way”. That’s why when I say all of this isn’t an excuse but an EXPLANATION, that I mean it. I can’t make sense of things I barely remember.
I can’t make sense of things I said while dissociating, because I don’t believe there’s any way in hell I’d say things like I have before.
What hurt today, though, is how they said my friendships will work for the rest of my life.
What hurt today, though, is how they said my friendships will work for the rest of my life.
They said that friendships are hard for people like me. That I need friends that will understand it’s not really ME ME saying the things I say. That they need to KNOW that I’m sorry when I hurt them and I never mean to do it.
To those I’ve hurt? I’m sorry. I am. I’ve tried apologizing time and time again and every time I can’t get it right and I’m sorry. I wish I could get it right but I am MENTALLY INCAPABLE. I’m so sorry to those I’ve hurt. I am. I wish I could describe how sorry I was.
But I don’t know how, and if I did it would hurt like ass because I don’t like seeing the way I’ve hurt people. I’m not trying to dismiss it, it just hurts to see how I’ve treated people and I don’t want to know the things I’ve said.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I know I hurt you. I know I did. I will ALWAYS know I did. I may never know how to apologize, and I’m sorry that I may never be able to give closure. I’m sorry if my words sound empty or self centered.
But so many of the problems I’ve had lately have to do WITH me. MY mental state, My trauma, my PTSD. And I want people to know that I’m in such a bad place that these shit things are all I think and worry about. Non stop. Every second. Of every day.
Just. Please try to see from where I am. Put yourself in my shoes. No one ever has to forgive me. Forgiveness is in its own time as it’s always said, rightfully so. I am sorry my mentality is in the way all the time. I’m tired of me, too.
I’m tired of getting myself into reckless situations. I am tired of abusing myself, and hurting others. I am. I’m tired of pushing people away and losing the people that matter to me. I’m tired of locking myself away. I’m tired of not being able to breathe or think.
I miss everyone. I miss the old me that was told I was loved by the person that mattered to me. I miss the version of me that my ex told me was “the only person that could understand”. I want to cry thinking about it, but I can’t. I’m too. Far gone, I guess?
I’m learning and still trying to get better. I’m trying my best for the people around me. I want to be that friend that can make people smile, just for the sake of their happiness. I want to be that someone that friends can happily come to first glance if they need to.
I feel like that’ll be misinterpreted like last time, where they thought I meant “me first and me only” I meant/mean I want people to think “hey! Sam is on, I can confide in her! She’ll understand/support me!” And by no means do I mean ME ONLY.
I want to be trusted, and to be able to trust. I want to love and FEEL loved. Feeling love is. So fucking hard, because in order to feel love you have to trust. And my emotions are like “you were learning to trust and then we’re cut off!!! Trust broken, again!”
And after today I can understand a little better that, that’s not what happened. Someone needed space from my mentality and that’s 100% okay. Ah, though, I’ll shut up now, this thread is getting long and. Yeah. I don’t want it getting any more personal out loud.
Thank you to the lady doc that’s worked with me the past few months to get me a diagnosed, I kinda can’t wait to see what all is up with me. I am learning, and it makes me tired. But none the less I’m trying. And I have to remember that trying is something.
I am here. I deserve to speak my emotions. I deserve to live, to breathe, to have fun. I deserve to enjoy myself. I deserve leniency. I deserve to be here, and it’s okay to think that. It’s okay to be alive, and to learn. That goes for anyone. You deserve to be here, too.
