i feel like a lot of people think that people with some of the most common mental health illnesses (depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc.) and/or people that suffer from suicidal thoughts/ideations are manipulative. from someone who suffers from both, i wanna share from my POV.

i personally feel like FOR ME. depression, anxiety, and PTSD was developed and instilled within me overtime due to my body and mind beginning to break down from all of the unresolved traumas i never identified, acknowledged, or processed. i have a big insecurity and fear of being

-hurt, abandoned, or betrayal due to of all of the betrayal and pain i've endured as a child. as a kid, nobody really paid attention to me. i wasn't supported emotionally or mentally. my family never cared to pay attention to me until i was sad, or i did something rebellious.

and even in those times. i still wasn't supported. i was judged, ridiculed, and abused. since my mental support and emotional fulfillment was never fulfilled at home. i searched for that support and fulfillment in other people. this developed a lot of codependency tendencies-

within me. i was so afraid of being alone that i got anxiously-attached to ppl all time even if they were not good for me. but no matter what, it still seems like my void was still never filled. whether it was a friendship or relationship, i was always an outcast or black sheep.

i noticed a pattern in my home that also repeated in my relationships/friendships. no one ever seemed to care about me or love me UNTIL i was sad, depressed, suicidal, or until i self-inflicted pain and did self sabotage. now what i can say is this...when i noticed that-

the only way people paid attention to me or showed me love was in that state so, i became addicted to playing the martyr. i would allow myself to go all through of this pain people caused me or i caused myself until someone felt bad for me bc that's the ONLY time i wasn't alone.

i would attach to people that didn't genuinely love me bc i was never familiar with what love is. these people would hurt me even tho i knew they were no good. but i just wanted someone there, so the instant someone would leave me. it would trigger that childhood memory of always

being alone and unloved. in my mind, it would process as "nobody will ever love me and i would always be alone." this then become a cycle and i began to suffer from my own actions that i WASN'T aware of. i didn't know how to break the cycle so it became an overwhelming feeling.

that's why i began to feel like i wanted to end my own life. i would literally do anything people wanted me to do, and let them treat me any kind of way due to lack of self love and awareness. i wanted my ex friends/partners to love me the way my parents didn't, and be there for-

me bc my family wasn't, but they never were. so i became suicidal from always being isolated and alone, but i noticed anytime i mentioned suicide. that's the only time people wanted to stick around for me after using me to their advantage, but after my episodes. they were still--

not around. so i used my suffering to my advantage to keep people in my life until one day, i realized that the people i wanted to keep around wasn't worth ending my life over. looking back, i definitely see that it was a manipulation tactic, but the REASON behind was trauma-

based so i said all this to say that it may not be right, but there's always a reason for everything, and some of y'all quick to shame or judge without even knowing or understanding why people do things. i agree that the term "i want to die or i want to kill myself" shouldn't be-

used loosely, but some of y'all don't even care to figure out why it even gets to the point for some people and why they even feel the need to say it. some people don't want to die, some people just want people to be for them outside of only being there when they're sad or death-

is on the line. i definitely had the thoughts and i definitely had attempted to kill myself a year ago by overdosing because i was serious, but that time i overdosed is the day i decided to give up on crying out for help because nobody cared to realized that that's all i was-

doing in the first place. the other times, i just wanted somebody to be there. not just to stop me, but to have my back still after--but i realized in this world, you gotta be there for yourself and you learn to be alone. no matter what you been through or where you're from.

i'm sorry to those who feel like i was manipulative. i didn't know any better, and i can hold myself accountable and say how i handled crying out for help or for love was not the best option, but i made a mistake. we all do, but normalize not invalidating people's and illnesses-

bc you made a CHOICE to not understand them. people try to invalidate my experiences with mental illness and suicide bc of the way i chose to deal with mine at a younger age. ppl also tried to invalidate my pain bc i was the cause of some of it, but my experiences with other ppl-

hurting me are still valid. because when i really hit the last straw, i almost died, but God didn't let my heart go out because i still have a purpose. i'm not alone, and i will be loved by Him, by others, and most importantly myself. there's 2 sides to everything, so learn both.