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FOR MY FUTURE ME
a thread;
a thread;
Hi Lovely. Are you now a doctor or surgeon? Did you already achieved all your dreams? How do you feel right now? Are you feeling well?
This is Lovely in the year of 2020. Today is October 22, where I question myself if I'm worth it or not? I'm fcked up today. I was about to review since overmorrow is the continuation of my exam, but since I'm fcked up, I did not review well. I can't focus.
There are a lot of stuffs who stuck in my mind. Pure negativity. Right now, I questioning myself if I didn't feel the same way on what the other feel. I was thinking that is so unfair. How they experiencing that kind of thing, why me? why I didn't feel?
For instance, how they celebrate their 18th birthday. I know that this kind of stuff or thinking is so childish. Well, I just don't know why I feel this way. I felt pity to myself, I was pitying myself. I was envy to them, they celebrate their birthday with --
a surprise, balloons, friends and family. They celebrate it happily. There are food prepared, a many gifts and greetings. While me, on my birthday, no celebration, no balloons, no friends, no family, no food prepared, it was just a plain and nothing.
In my whole existence, do you know that I didn't experience to celebrate my birthday? I knew that you recall it from your mind. How your family and friends forgot your birthday. How they ignore it. How the feelings of how unimportant? HHAAHAHAHHAHA. funny. fcked this tears.
I wiped them out, but still there are a lot of tears arrived. I'm fcking sad. I'm not okay. There are no someone who asked me how I feel, if I'm okay? If I can do it? No one. It was just myself. My only me, myself and I. I already ignore my friends, u want to test, if they --
hesitate to ask me why I ignore them or what. Guess what? I received ignore also HHAHAHAHHA. That's so funny, how I want to feel special for a day. When I feel I am so special which I feel that kind of thing is I don't deserve. When my tears is the result of so much happiness --
And not an insecurities and pitiness. I want to feel one day that I'm so special. Where I don't feel any sadness. Where I was free to this shit things. When? Do you know, overthinking is eating me, it can feel discomfort, but I was relief when I cried. I feel comfortableness --
Though that crying is giving me a lil happiness since I was about to produce the ache on my heart. It wasn't enough, never enough. I wanted to cry and cry and cry until no tears can fell on my cheek. I was tired to this shit. I was so tired. And do you know, I have a biggest --
secret where I don't want to know by anyone. I know that you knew what I mean. It's a sexual harassment, where you you fell unwanted. Where you feel that I am dirty since it was already touch by someone. I still feel the sinful hand, the hands that I want to broke.
I want to tell and scream to anyone that I need help. Like hey I was sexual harass by someone but who the hell hear me? They ignored me. They didn't feel my existence, they never. HAHHAHAHA. I want a hand, but who, where, I can find it? I need it. I want a shoulder to cry.
I want a protection, I want it. I don't want to experience it again. I am so scared. Scared of what he was going to do to me. Please, I need someone. I need it. HAHAHAHHAHA.
That are the some thought which circulating in my minds today. Pure negativity. I was about to end this. Since Idk what I need to say to you. Maybe, tomorrow or in another day I will continue this thread, but for a mean time, I want to cry and cry today. Thank you
