might delete later. I've found myself checking to see if artists who I'm pretty sure are mutuals still are whenever they show up in my TL. I think what spurred this fear is all the politics I retweet, total lack of art, but mostly my bad takes and mistakes

I've found myself doing this an unhealthy amount, preparing myself for an emotional brick in the face to think and analyze myself to find what the straw that broke the camel's back was

most of the time I'm shocked and surprised that, despite it all, they still follow me; they still like my tweets and stick around through thick and thin

there's been a few times that someone, who I'm pretty sure was a mutual, no longer is. and I do find myself going down that dark spiral overanalyzing my tweet history and losing sleep. the thoughts don't go away when I know it likely wasn't personal

a few though, I know it was because of something hurtful I said. they don't owe me explanations, or their patience, and they don't have to tell me that it hurt them or stick around for me to apologize; but it's an awful feeling that's lingered in the back of my head for months

it might be easy to dismiss as "you can't let it bother you" but I'm pretty sure this is bad-brain-stuff and it's hard to turn it off. or you might say "don't worry about a number" but these are people I respect and admire

the root of this fear is I don't want to hurt anyone, and when I inevitably do, and I find that connection severed, I can no longer make it right. I guess this is normal social dynamics, but twisted and distorted by twitter's behavior like a comedy of errors

I try to listen, with a bit of patience and understanding I change my mind with new information. and I will apologize immediately if I'm given the chance. Twitter is the worst for all of this, but it's where my people are, and I'm willing to try every time to be better