my favorite nick miller quotes: a thread

‘shall i compare thee to a summer’s day? no, a summer’s day is not a bitch’

‘you’ve never done jury duty or paid your taxes’

‘not until gay marriage is legal everywhere’

‘do i regret it? yes. would i do it again? probably.’

‘hey! shut up! i’m trying my hardest!’

‘what a wonderful day. quick reminder we are dying’

‘you always see the worst in people’

‘yeah cause people are the worst’

‘i just panic ordered $200 worth of chinese food’

‘i’m not great at talking about what i’m feeling all the time’

‘my funeral is my time to shine’

‘yeah, i’d trust beyoncé with my life’

‘can i get an alcohol?’

‘love doesn’t matter!’

‘one day closer to death!’

‘the enemy... is the inner me’

‘stop being so mean to me or i swear to god i’m gonna fall in love with you’

‘you treat an outside wound with rubbing alcohol, you treat an inside wound with drinking alcohol, it’s science.’

‘i’m not asking you to do much just write my fathers eulogy!’

‘i’m not convinced i know how to read i’ve just memorized a lot of words’

‘today’s the due date so today’s the do date’

‘i once changed a sign that said “happy jewish new year” to say “happy newish jew year” is that a hate crime?’

‘this place is so fancy i don’t know which fork to kill myself with’

‘i’m thirty years old and i’ve peed in every pool i’ve been into’

‘i’m pretty sure i’m having a heart attack and i have arranged for anyone to clear my internet history. i wasn’t building a bomb! i was just curious’