I have never read Rebecca. I'm about to start the Netflix film.

Armie Hammer...has never looked so good.

Let Armie play grieving widowers and rich dirtbags and wear desaturated goldenrod hues challenge.

This is...so MEAN.

I wish he'd peer at me like that.

I mean, he drops out of the accent every other sentence, but like, he's going for it. Good for him.

I'm drenched

When you promised to be hungry for daddy.

I really do feel like Armie's real mode is movies that could double as a Bottega Veneta, and more people should cater to his specific skillset.

The Phantom Thread energy is PALPABLE

Not enough has been written about Armie's yellow suit, and that feels very pointed to me.

Alice Munro's "Passion."

If you know...you know. LOL.

I want an emotionally unavailable large man to leave me little notes promising intimacy that he withdraws at sudden, startling intervals.

LET HER BE IN LOVE

Now wait a minute.

Rochester: I know I'm married, but like...live with me anyway.

Jane Eyre:

Grace Poole: [breathes]

Jane Eyre:

GET IN, LADIES. WE'RE GOING TO MANDERLEY

Love an ominous, severe woman.

USURPERS!!!!!!!!!!

[dragged off stage] RIFF RAFF! USURPER SCUM!

Not her rummaging through this lady's possessions. Mess. I hope her ghost gets you.

These ill-mannered ass dogs

Ohhhh. This explains why Danvers was like, "No. You can't." when this irritating New Wife was like "You can't see the sea from here."

Wow, they are really playing up that whole, "Gurl, you ain't nothing" angle.

These people are stressing me out.

YEAH. HOW DARE YOU USE HER NAME

Oh this man must be a cad. He has foppish manners.

He touching her body!!!!!

Oh. Rebecca was un petit slatternly, I am sensing.

Cousin my ass

Must be cousins in the Lady Catherine de Bourgh sense

Fucking in the boat house like he’s Alec Scudder!!!

Does this no-name hussy think she can kick Danvers out?

Gurl, you literally don’t have a name. Pls.

The naïveté JUMPED OUT. How you let Danvers Jedi Mindtrick you like that?!

The ball has no pay off because we don't actually...know about or care about any of the peripheral characters. The film has failed to establish a social context for the central character! We don't care about her!

OH SHITTTTTTTT. NOT HER SHOWING UP IN REBECCA'S OLD HAIR

Me and my sleep paralysis demon:

Not her traipsing down the windy cliffside to find her husband his wife's sex cabin.

OOOO. INCEST LOVECHILD.

"You made a mistake."

Huh.

Well.

Let me just sit and stare into the sea, chile

No wonder contemporary novelists love this story so much, lol, spectral, unnamed narrator character vapor.

Honestly, Armie Hammer was doing everything he signed on to do in this movie, and y'all should let him live. It was that angular-faced young woman with the dye job who was given absolutely nothing to do with this script.

I don't know which English Lily she is, but this script had a big ol void right in the middle of it where charisma might have gone in lieu of, uh, character choices had any of that been present.

It seemed like Lily...James, I think, was really at ease in those early scenes, but the direction kind of lost its way once they got to Manderley.

Anyway, this movie gave me everything I wanted: Armie Hammer in period clothes, great interiors, and beautiful cinematography. I'm satisfied. I'm shocked y'all are so outraged by this movie when y'all love books in this same facile, vague mode.

But you didn't hear that from me.