a discussion on my fear of god, the deep ocean, and space & why I am still here - from the point of view of a cult survivor

TW /// if you have dissociative issues or religious trauma that can be easily triggered, please tread with caution. //

I was raised in a very strict mormon home where “god’s” love was to be our ultimate goal. I used to find the idea of god to be comforting, something I turned to when I was afraid of the unknown. god was an anchor when I had nothing to grip. he was meant to be the thing I live for

I was always told to rely on god, to depend on it. I did in a way, for a long time. but there were things that slipped between cracks I didn’t want to look at. I thought if I looked at them they would become real, but they were already there.

in evangelical churches, you are indoctrinated intensely from a very young age and told to never trust anything from the outside. critical thinking skills and the search for truth was looked down upon and only acceptable if it fit their narrow definition of truth.

when someone tapped on the carefully constructed glass shelter I had lived in unknowingly for years, I became distressed and anxious, I pushed that person far away from myself because I didn’t want to know what laid beyond my shiny cage. ignorance was easier to deal with

but the cracks grew, eventually shattering above my head. denying it was no longer an option. I was met with a choice. I could stay in my cage, safe from the unknown I was so often warned of, or step out and face the world without the blindfold of comfort

I chose the latter option and I would never regret that. I’d never regret breaking out and breathing for the first time, finding people I loved & learning how to be my own person who was allowed to make mistakes, grow, & love with real intent despite the risk of getting hurt.

I tasted freedom and i’d never go back, but it came with a price. when you’ve never taken a breath, you don’t understand what you’re missing, you don’t realize that you’re suffocating because you don’t know anything else. escaping was amazing but indoctrination doesn’t disappear

when you’re told from a very early age that leaving would be a mistake with terrible consequences, that belief is instilled in you. In a cult, teachings are set in place to make sure you are terrified of those consequences. Fears sunk in my flesh like the teeth of a rabid dog.

I left in my head but I still live with mentally & past physically abusive parents. God used to be a comfort but now turning back to those things leave me feeling at best, empty and alone. I’ve since been diagnosed with CPTSD, or complex post Traumatic stress disorder.

we know less than 10% of our ocean. we have barely scratched the surface of the vast expanse of space. we know almost nothing about what comes after death. the unknown holds things that we cannot control, things we have no chance of ever fully understanding as humans

the unknown is exciting yes, but it’s also terrifying. when you have no control, no understanding of your surroundings, and no safety nets, it feels like free falling towards dark empty nothingness

so people start searching for an anchor, some find alcohol, drugs, some find the thrill of adrenaline, some find nothing and it eats away at them. with a controlling home and an even more controlling cult looming over me, i found something i could control. i developed an ed

it’s been about three and half years now. I am still afraid of the ocean, I am still afraid of Space, I am still afraid of what comes after. but there are things that make me feel less afraid. things I hold to dearly, things I wouldn’t have found if I hadn’t stepped out years ago

I have people I love, passions and drive. I have pride in how far I’ve come and the desire to go further. to grow more as a person & a friend. i have the feeling of grass between my toes and saltwater in the air. the taste of a snowflake on my tongue and the sound of laughter

I would never want to give those things up, I’ve never want to leave the freedom and the way that life becomes so much more bright when you know that it’s temporary. it’s scary but it’s real and I take it over being numb and safe every day of my life

I am still afraid and I don’t think I’ll get over that anytime soon, but the fear does not make it taste any less sweet. Obviously there is still pain and heartache but that’s the price of being human and humanity is a complex and terrible and wonderful thing all at the same time

that’s something I don’t want to give up. i’m afraid but I’m living & breathing today despite it because fear and pain are there to make everything else count. when I was safe, I was suffocating and numb. when I am hurting and afraid, I live because I decided to.

whether it be spite or hope or love or anger, any reason to live is a damn good reason. if I fought this hard and I am still here, I am not going to lose now. I don’t live because I’m afraid of what comes after, I live because I do not let fear stop me. I live today for myself.