I don't think too many women follow me, but I figure this thread will find whoever it needs to.

My 2020 Indian Bride's Emotional Survival Guide

Overarching insight: There is NO right answer about what to do. Invite 100 people? Postpone the wedding? Just do a "court marriage" and do something else later? Only you and your families can decide what's a good enough choice to make at this point.

I have found that most people's assessments of risk and regret are emotional and based on how they are feeling about what they are seeing around them. So if you're losing it over people constantly changing their minds, I feel you.

So how do you deal with your own emotions in this crazy time? I've had a rough few months, and these are some things that have worked for me.

1. Separating the wedding from the marriage

The wedding is a public social contract and performance. Your marriage and relationship is private and determined by how you and your partner show up for each other every single day.

So even if the wedding is uncertain, messy and is causing tension – separate that from your relationship. Know that this event does not determine the years that will follow. Hopefully, you are both very excited to spend your lives together, don't let this event dampen that joy!!!

2. Recognize your own baggage

I imagine you're facing tough choices constantly, and yes, COVID has a role to play in that. But COVID is probably exacerbating the unresolved baggage you already have in your relationships, including & especially in your relationship with yourself

Ask yourself when you're feeling honest & friendly with yourself: Am I afraid to speak up? Am I lashing out about a past event? How are my insecurities showing up with my partner? Who am I comparing myself, my partner or my parents to? might find some truths to make peace with

3. Empathy for others

Indian Matchmaking probably showed the whole world that it's a marriage of two families, not just two individuals. I like to charitably interpret that as "lots of people strongly care about this". Eg: "My daughter's wedding" is a BIG deal for my dad

Some days I wish I could banish everyone from this whole thing, run away and start my life already. If I had the guts I would. But my truth is also that – this matters to them, they matter to me, and I WANT to care for them through the confusion, grief, anger they are feeling

So even as you're living through your own whirlpool of emotions, take the time to be there for your significant people. My partner constantly reminds me of this and it gets me out of my pity party.

3. Strive for flexibility in design

Try as far as possible for your arrangements to be flexible and accommodating of people's changing choices. Because they will CHANGE. (I'm at v.18 of the wedding itinerary at the moment.)

But I'm less freaked out now because no matter what happens, we will manage. There may be losses, some hurt feelings, but we'll be OK. For perspective, pre-2020 weddings faced a ton of issues which they totally did not expect, so at least we, the class of 2020, will be prepared!

TBH there's a part of me that's at zero expectations. At some level I think I've made peace with the fact that we will be married, at some point, and in some form, and I'm going to be very happy if we can do better than that but if not, what a great story for the grandkids

4. TALK TO YOUR FRIENDS

I am guilty of not doing this. I have avoided talking to my friends because many have seen this drama behind the scenes for months, are facing much bigger hurdles than "how am I going to have a wedding", and I am just tired of crying into a phone screen

But man, every patient affirmation helps. Every acknowledgement and reminder that you made it so far helps. Every "I MISS YOU & I LOVE YOU" helps. So call them.

sucks that you may not be able to have non-family family on that day, but know that they celebrate you no matter what!

5. Gratitude

Yes, I am ending with this cliché. Because we forget! We forget we are loved, we forget to laugh, we forget to thank each other for the imperfect efforts we are taking.

I don't even know where to begin with gratitude for my mom and all she's doing right now

If my words here don't help, perhaps @anthilemoon's words will! I find that this essay almost mirrors all the practices on my list and was just what I needed to hear last week as I thought, what life lessons can I take from this difficult time? https://nesslabs.com/emotional-agility

@threader_app compile please