The loaf of bread

A story 1/?

A long time ago I lived in Brisbane, and the old Queenslander I was living in at the time got hot in summer, so I would have a tendency to leave the back door open. Late at night on a summer's eve, I was cooking in the kitchen and heard a noise at the back of the house 2/?

It was pitch back in the back yard, and through this void of darkness that was the back door I hear a rusting. As I crept towards the back door I called out asking if anyone was there.
A wheezy voice replied

Ya wan a loaf o'bread? 3/?

I flicked the back porch light on to find an old man holding a black plastic bag, wearing a high-viz shirt. I stared at him. He stared at me.

I got buns too

He opened the black plastic bag and produced two wholegrain bread rolls, proffering them to me 4/?

Not sure what to do about the old guy on the back porch with the unknown bread, I accepted the rolls and smiled saying thank you and backed slowly in to the house.

WAIT

he yelled

DON FORGET YA LOAF

and placed a whole multigrain loaf of bread on my back step 5/?

and disappeared into the darkness

Not sure what to do with the sudden arrival of anonymous bread, I placed the two rolls and loaf of bread on the counter

and closed and locked the back door 6/

My partner came home and I retold the story to him, to which he suggested I not leave the back door open

Friends visited and I retold the story, as the loaf was still sitting on the counter

More friends visited and the story was retold. The bread became a talking point. 7/

It had been a week, and the bread was still there. It was rock had when you knocked on it, but it had not gone mouldy. It was a very strange thing indeed.

So what did I do? 8/

I put a pony on top, and named it bread mountain. 9/

Not pictured, the bread rolls which I named 'hillocks' and placed mini-ponies on.

Months passed and my partner got cranky that the loaf was still there, so I migrated it to the bookshelf and disposed of the hillocks. 10/

A few months later I was to move house and considered the rock-hard loaf that was bread mountain. It looked intact but on closer inspection had tiny little holes through it. I picked up the loaf to inspect it closer and it BIT ME

I SCREAMED

and dropped bread mountain 11/?

Hundreds of these tiny black bugs scurried out of the loaf

Bread mountain was infested 12/ https://twitter.com/R_Chirgwin/status/1318780148452184064?s=19

So what did I do?

What any other self respecting land owner would do

I sprayed the cr*p out of the loaf with mortein bug spray and left it on the floor where it was until it stopped heaving 13/

And then I finally threw it out.

To this day I don't know where the loaf came from, why it lasted as a monument for so long, or why one of the hillocks disappeared after a party (I think someone tried to eat one).

All I know is that you shouldn't use anonymous loaf as art. fin

Some bonus meme I found while searching for the photo of bread mountain