1/ Had to explain to someone I love today that I'm not spending time with people unless they get Covid testing beforehand because I don't plan to live in this world if anything happens to my wife because I wasn't careful enough, and it kind of wrecked me.

2/ Some of the people I care most about have a really different approach to the threat of Covid than I do. Tried to explain to them that I can't make them take it more seriously but I'm not going to subject people I love to their decisions bc I can't lose others I love bc of it

3/ They said, "I hope you'd stick around for the people that care about you" but apparently didn't see how doing things that clearly put them and others at risk is the exact same thing, and I'm tired of arguing it bc it goes nowhere

4/ But me saying I have no intention of living with the consequences of their actions was different somehow. I sacrifice things I love doing bc I don't want to sacrifice the people I love.

5/ I've had one haircut since February and got tested before and after. I haven't eaten at restaurants. I haven't seen friends. I hate it. I hate every minute of it. I hate worrying and staying inside. But I don't want to be the reason someone else dies.

6/ And I'm not going to live as a miserable broken husk of a person if the one I love most is gone bc I didn't expect the minimum - a test - if others decide not to be safe. I don't want that existence. So lines are being drawn.

7/ If it's not important to them to be tested to keep us safe it's not important to me if they're sad if I'm gone bc of a bad decision. Ugly conversation topic. But the stakes must be understood. I didn't set them. They are what they are.

8/ The two people I have to have this discussion with are two of the people I love more than life itself. I don't want to lose them either. But I can't control them. They don't want to live differently but don't seem to understand I won't pay their price with someone else.

10/ I loathe that these are choices we must make, that living normally is a thing we can't do, that fear is a basis for my decisions. I hate ultimatums. I hate having to care what choices others I love make. It goes against everything I am.

11/ I never wore a mask in abandoned buildings - full of black mold and asbestos, pigeon crap and lead paint. But I wear one now in the grocery store, on the streets. Because while I'd make a bad decision for me, I won't for someone else. That's where we are at. I hate it.

12/ Nobody you love wants to make that choice. Nobody who loves you wants to cut you out. But by not caring you're issuing an ultimatum to them. Don't ask them to choose your companionship over safety. Don't make them choose their loved ones over you.

13/ Maybe this time will pass but I fear the rifts between us never will. I hate the division. If you're reading this thinking it's no big deal please know that to someone you love, it is, and you're breaking their heart by making them choose. Be safe for them. Care for them.

14/ This is coming from someone who has risked injury and death for his career for years. If you want to make risky decisions that affect you, fine, but not ones that can hurt or kill others with you. It's going to get worse. What you do matters, and defines who you are.

15/ Final note, if you're going through this too, just know you're not alone. So many of us are grieving not only the dead but the living who we can't reach or who don't care. I hope the living come back before it's too late and know we still love them. It's a terrible year.

16/ One thing I didn't explain well in hindsight: I'm asking for testing first before I see them bc they are not taking any precautions and are making risky choices, and if I see them they wouldn't want to wear masks etc. I still love them very much, just won't gamble w my wife

17/ They hate Trump too, and are among the kindest and smartest people I know. They have just chosen to continue with unmasked social gatherings which is their right. It's just not a choice I'm making