the plagues of Egypt but for twitter

turning water to blood - when you're on "latest tweets" and it somehow switches over to "home"

frogs - someone you thought you'd blocked retweets you and fills your mentions with pepe avis

lice - you tick off one twitter niche you had no idea existed and you cannot block them fast enough

flies - you post ONE selfie and now there is an Uncomfortable number of old men in your mentions & message requests

pestilence of livestock - the younger accounts in your circles are rehashing your old beefs...again...and again...and again...

boils - you can't like. you can't retweet. you can't dm. you can't tweet. all you can do is...scroll. or worse, retreat to f*cebook.

thunderstorm of hail and fire - rapid fire discourse of the worst kind. a whole weekend of cancellations, dunks, quote tweets almost too fast to mute—and screenshots. worst part? your friend's on the front lines.

locusts - election day, probably

darkness for three days - twitter doesn't get your humor. suspension.

all you can do is fight for justice, and hope against hope that your main will be intact on the other side.

death of firstborn - your longest mutual, the one who's been with you through thick and thin. the one who thought you could always count on...

they softblocked you.