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when i was a kid and i saw my mom sign her name on the credit card thing at the grocery store, i thought it was checking her handwriting to make sure it was really her. and i got scared bc i didn& #39;t have a signature. and what if i couldn& #39;t prove i was really me?
my notebooks from like 6th grade on look like the sort of deranged scrawls of a serial killer in a movie. but it& #39;s just me signing my (old) name over and over again in the margins. i thought if i practiced, i could make it come out the same each time
really i think i was scared that one day someone would need to look at me and see a real whole person, and i wouldn& #39;t be able to fool them. maybe if i practiced hard enough, though
you know how some people know they& #39;re gay from the instant they& #39;re conscious of themselves? i was never conscious of myself, at all. nothing about me ever felt real. i always knew i was faking being a person
this isn& #39;t a trans story by the way. transition didn& #39;t fix it. coming out was just one in a long line of things that i thought would finally fill that void. but i still struggle with that lack of a stable, concrete sense of identity.
