Hello, it’s now long after work. Let’s talk about rejection sensitive dysphoria, ADHD, and our mental health as (mostly unpaid) creators. It’s still #ADHDAwarenessMonth. https://twitter.com/littlestarlost/status/1318681128719450112

This thread is gonna count towards my writing goals for the week. I’ve smoked some weed and have no outline whatsoever except for my FEELINGS, let’s do this.

Caveat 1: I am not a psychologist (though I was a psych major). I was diagnosed with inattentive ADHD at age 10, and I speak solely from my own experiences as a white cis woman with the financial privilege to afford medication and therapy that are often out of reach for others.

Caveat 2: trigger warning for discussion of self-harm (I’ll tag them) and general negative thoughts. Also, again, I’m a little high. Anyway!

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria is a common symptom of ADHD (which in itself is still not recognized for the actual multifaceted *disorder* that it is, but that’s another story). The main symptom of RSD is an intense, overwhelming, and outsized reaction to perceived rejection.

"But Star," I hear my mother say, "everyone hates rejection. You just have to get over it."

RSD isn't weakness. It isn't wimpiness. I have spent my whole life agonizingly trying to learn how to take rejection, but RSD isn't logical. It's part of the faulty wiring of ADHD brains.

I'm falling down a rabbit hole of sources, which is only going to hinder this thread, so here's some links to articles which explain RSD in far better and more nuanced terms than I can manage at the moment:
https://www.additudemag.com/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria-adhd-emotional-dysregulation/ https://www.webmd.com/add-adhd/rejection-sensitive-dysphoria

I'll properly begin here: a few years back, I thought I might have some kind of manic depression; I kept ending up in all these situations where I would feel so ramped up and excited about something, and then one (1) single thing would trigger a massive emotional crash.

But these episodes were always tied to something specific. The highs would be soaring high, but never any longer than half a day; if I was lucky, everything would be great and I'd have a good day. But if that emotional balloon popped, it would be a fucking shitshow.

Even rapid cycling isn't that rapid. Then I finally realized it was RSD, and then I looked back at every single humiliating moment that still haunts me when I'm trying to get to sleep at night, and I realized that nearly *all* of them could be explained by RSD.

All those countless fucking times that my parents told me "you just can't take a joke". All the times I walked away from a slightly embarrassing social situation feeling like I had just lost all my friends. The moments are too many and, honestly, too painful to recount.

RSD is described in terms of triggers, and never has there been a more appropriate term for how it feels. It's like you've been fired out of a gun, and there's no way to stop until you hit something.

RSD hits fast and intense. It is nearly impossible to ignore, and unfortunately cannot be cured. I am actually very good with rejection; I am not a sore loser, and I can logically understand that a rejection of something I've done isn't a full indictment of my whole self.

(TW mention of self-harm and suicidal ideation)
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But then there's this other part of my brain that is off to the races, and the races are a whirlwind descent into the worst kinds of hell. Suddenly I want to peel all my skin off, to jump off the balcony, to just fucking d*e.

(TW mention of self-harm and suicidal ideation)
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I'm not making plans or anything. But my brain descends a staircase that goes:
- you have been rejected by one person in one situation
- you have failed as a human being
- it's time to abandon this experiment and start over

I used to dye my hair a new colour after every breakup. I literally felt the need to shed my old self and remake my identity; I had been rejected, so clearly I was a complete and utter failure at every level.

Part of that was being in my 20s. But part of it was RSD.

RSD is humiliating, because as adults, we KNOW by now how to handle rejection gracefully. We're painfully aware of how fucking pathetic it is to be having a complete sobbing meltdown over someone unfollowing you. It feels profoundly shameful. It just sucks a whole goddamn lot.

Living with ADHD is a constant game of coping mechanisms. You're always dancing as fast as you can, approximating neurotypical functioning while never quite feeling like you're actually achieving it. You're about 15% self-gaslit at all times. What the fuck is productivity?

Some of these things can be mitigated with a variety of medications or therapies; unfortunately, RSD is not one of them. So, for those of you who recognize yourselves in this thread, here's what little wisdom I have gleaned, and the small strategies I have developed.