Okay, long thread about what it's like FOR ME to be a 'Wounded Healer' i.e. a psychiatrist (SpR) from a Brown, Asian & Minority Ethnic (BAME) background who has lived experience of mental illness. DO NOT UNDERESTIMATE THE IMPACT OF RACISM. I have felt de-humanized because of 1/

the complexion of my skin & my ethnicity. STRUCTURAL RACISM IS REAL. The looks of disgust, the microaggressions, THE PAIN IS SO DEEP. Also, I feel I've had to work A LOT harder than people from non-BAME backgrounds. I feel like I always have to look over my shoulder because 2/

I'm a BAME psychiatrist with a history of mental illness, like someone is just waiting to pounce upon me the moment I make a mistake. It's not a way to live life, it is deeply unsettling. But the truth is that I've been attacked MANY times before & each day I 3/

I live with the fear that I will be the victim of bullying & harassment again. I left my family behind me in Lebanon when I was 17. THIS ABSOLUTELY DEVASTATED ME. I'm 38 now & I'm still processing what happened all those years ago. It is not like I could just show up at 4/

Parent's house when life became unbearable. I wish I could. I see my parents twice a year if I'm lucky. They are growing older without me and IT BREAKS MY HEART. I lived in relative poverty. I started off as a janitor on minimum wage & as a stock advisor stacking shelves 5/

I had to work full-time whilst preparing for A-Levels. THIS WAS A CONSTANT THREAT TO SECURING THE GRADES NECESSARY TO GET INTO MEDICAL SCHOOL. I did all of this whilst I was away from my family, adjusting to an alien culture & and I WAS JUST A TEENAGER. People would LAUGH 6/

AT MY FACE WHEN I SAID I DREAMT OF BEING A DOCTOR. I was sensitive, I gave them the license to make me feel like I didn't have what it takes. I worked extremely hard & got into medical school AGAINST THE ODDS. I EXPERIENCED AN IDENTITY CRISIS. I felt like I didn't belong, most 7/

of the other students were from higher socioeconomic backgrounds, their parents would pay for everything, they would go on holidays when term was over & I would work. I developed a severe episode of mental illness. My medical school MADE LIFE HELL FOR ME. I had to take a year 8/

out & repeat 2 years. THIS MADE MY FINANCIAL SITUATION UNBEARABLE. I'M STILL LIVING WITH THE CONSEQUENCES TO THIS DAY. My mind was mutilated by someone who calls himself a doctor. It was his word against mine, no-one believed me & he got away with it. IF IT ISN'T WRITTEN DOWN 9/

IT DIDN'T HAPPEN. BUT IT DID HAPPEN. I was ostracised, shunned, dehumanized. NOONE WANTED TO KNOW ME BACK THEN. It was so bad I was suicidal. I don't know what it's like to hear voices, or have recurrent & obtrusive obsessions. Each person's lived experience of mental illness 10/

is unique. But I know how hurtful it is for people to look down on you because of your ethnicity, socioeconomic background, history of mental illness, I know the symptoms of mental illness can be debilitating yet many people ridicule you as if you're not experiencing a 'real 11/

disease'. I know that I WOULD NEVER WANT ANYONE TO FEEL THE WAY I FELT, THAT I WOULD NEVER WANT TO BE A SOURCE OF STIGMA. I WOULD NEVER WANT ANYONE TO FEEL ASHAMED. I know how vulnerable & afraid a person with mental illness can feel, I know how important it is to feel 12/

Someone is listening to you & is dignifying you. I know how important non-verbal communication is, how important words are & the look that comes from your eyes when you are with someone who has mental illness. My lived experience of mental illness has taught me the importance 13/

14/ of being kind, gentle & humble, how far-reaching the effects of mental illness can be for family & loved ones. I know that people with mental illness can succumb to despair & that the suffering & struggling can drive people with mental illness to end their own lives 14/

I know how important it is to instil hope into the hearts & minds of people who have mental illness, to be honest & truthful. To emphasise, each person's experience of mental illness is unique, but as a BAME psychiatrist with lived experience, I want you to know that I'm 15/

There for you, that I will listen to you when you are ready to talk & share, that I know how frightened & afraid you are. It may take time for you to open up & for me to earn trust. THIS IS A SAFE SPACE. I don't know what YOUR LIVED EXPERIENCE FEELS LIKE FOR YOU 16/

I know there are people who have had it FAR, FAR WORSE THAN ME. I've seen it with my own eyes. I promise you I'll do all I can to listen to you, try to understand you, respect you, dignify you & provide you with the highest quality care. Sincerely, Ahmed 'The Wounded Healer'

P.S. Honestly, I'm okay. I just thought that since there have been recent discussions about 'The Wounded Healer' & I call myself 'The Wounded Healer' I should at least share my thoughts about this & be honest & open. Thank you to all who have asked. Ahmed