A thing that happens when someone asks a vague question to my Autistic self is that my brain tries to figure out what the question means and all the possible answers to each potential question and then I just like. Error 404, words not found

#ActuallyAutistic

Also if I don't know someone well or if it's a medical appointment or something, then my brain is also trying to process stuff like "how can I phrase my answer so that no one misinterprets what I'm trying to say" which means I BSOD much more quickly

I've gotten braver about asking for clarification when people ask me vague questions, but...it's still really hard and vulnerable because of all the years where people assumed I was being a smart ass rather than asking for help because I didn't understand

Oh also I error 404 when someone asks me an either/or question but my actual answer is not one of the offered answers, so now I'm trying to process what my actual answer is and also how to explain that neither answer is correct

I'm pretty sure that this is why I hate multiple choice tests. Because sometimes there are multiple possibilities for what the question is asking, and there's no way for me to show that I know the material like in an essay or something.

I used to go up to teachers after class and be like, "um excuse me, I think there is a problem with question six because it could mean either A or B, and so answer C or D could be correct"

And I think they thought I was just...trying to argue about my grade??

And so they always said something like "I guess you could read it like that, but everyone knows I was actually asking A right?"

And I would not know how to explain that I had not understood that so eventually I just stopped bringing it up

In high school we did a lot of SAT prep and my teachers kept emphasizing that if you weren't sure what the answer was, you should go with your first impulse

But I did a lot of practice tests and figured out that if I was not sure, my first impulse was usually incorrect

Let me just repeat that:

In high school I figured out that if I was confused by a question, my gut instinct was most likely incorrect

Now I have words for being Autistic, I understand that standardized tests are in some ways a neurotypical screening test too

I'm still upset about this because it took me years to learn how to trust my instincts again https://twitter.com/UntoNuggan/status/1318595088101113858?s=19

I also spent so long just...automatically answering the opposite of what I thought whenever I was confused.

Because people got so upset if I was just myself? Or admitted being confused?

Now I try to pause when I'm confused or ask to talk about it later, because if I don't there's still like an 80% chance I will just say the opposite of what I want because it's such an ingrained habit

Anyway, I think a lot of why I struggled is because I was considered "the smart one" and so teachers peers family etc thought I couldn't possibly struggle with understanding things "everyone understands"

(This is a part of why functioning labels and IQ tests are harmful)

I don't know if I would have actually gotten any of the resources or help I needed if any of my teachers had realized that when I asked an "obvious" question I was honestly confused, but I can dream

Thinking about how in 6th grade my math teacher was explaining how to find the area of an irregular rectangle (like two rectangles stuck together), and I did it in I guess a more common core way

And I tried to ask if I was allowed to do it my way or if he would mark me down...

...because math teachers always want you to show your work

But what actually happened was we spent the rest of the math class with me trying to explain how I solved it, and then everyone thought I was showing off?

And then I got bumped to 7th grade math

For anyone curious, my teacher solved the problem by dividing the thing into two rectangles, calculating the area, and adding them together

I solved it by making a big rectangle, calculating the area and then calculating the area of the negative space and subtracting it

This was back when math was really intuitive for me, and I wanted to be able to do solve problems the intuitive way rather than having to solve them the Official Way and getting marked wrong

Also I was trying to ask if there was some later lesson where we absolutely had to use his method of solving the problem

I was also the student where if a teacher told us to get out our pens for the test, but it was one of those bubble tests

I would ask if we were supposed to use number 2 pencils

Because I was actually confused

But people assumed I was being a know it all

[Bullying]

On the rare occasions when it was obvious that I was actually confused about something "everyone knew", then my peers would make fun of me because I guess they thought I was trying to be a know it all and it was "funny" that I didn't understand?

And I spent so long not understanding why everyone was upset with me for asking questions, so for a long time I just...stopped asking

And why I justifiably get so much anxiety when I do need to ask clarifying questions from authority figures or people I don't know well

As an adult, I've learned how to phrase my questions so that it's more clear that I'm genuinely confused and not being a jerk

But if I'm stressed, words get harder and I'm more likely to just be super blunt

The trolling tactic of "sealioning" people makes it a lot harder to genuinely ask for clarification on platforms like Twitter.

Here's a thread where I talk about that some https://twitter.com/UntoNuggan/status/1311031328041848832?s=19