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Today marks the one year anniversary of taking time off.
I deeply realize I have been very fortunate to have this amazing privilege, but I must say that I truly didn& #39;t feel it& #39;s importance until about 3-4 months ago.
A quick thread ...
I deeply realize I have been very fortunate to have this amazing privilege, but I must say that I truly didn& #39;t feel it& #39;s importance until about 3-4 months ago.
A quick thread ...
The first question is: how did you decide to take time off?
Well, I actually decided against it, twice. (1) I almost left FB at the start of 2017 because we had just done some great work and I was tired. And (2) I did not plan at all to join Glossier when leaving FB.
Well, I actually decided against it, twice. (1) I almost left FB at the start of 2017 because we had just done some great work and I was tired. And (2) I did not plan at all to join Glossier when leaving FB.
In both cases my attention and focus were wavering, but I was able to do these focused sprints that were so productive it seemed I was perfectly fine...
... but I wasn& #39;t.
... but I wasn& #39;t.
FB gave me the freedom to work on some internal efforts that hadn& #39;t had a lot of design attention before. Which was great for the company, and got me out of the line-of-sight of a release cycle for a while.
I got to do some super nerdy fun work, and help build teams that worked on internal tooling and privacy. However, my engine was sputtering, and I wouldn& #39;t stop.
I was able to design work far enough ahead that I could take six weeks off (a company perk they call "recharge").
I was able to design work far enough ahead that I could take six weeks off (a company perk they call "recharge").
Upon returning I had quite a bit of energy, but it waned fast. Work was unfocused, my life was unfocused, and I couldn& #39;t at the time see my attention, my relationships and my optimism slipping away.
But I kept going, doing work I was proud of. I just couldn& #39;t get a good mental picture about what I was doing and why anymore.
Cue the departure of FB, and an amazing opportunity in New York.
Cue the departure of FB, and an amazing opportunity in New York.
I continued to follow a path I had laid out: focused on doing great work, especially design, team and company fundamentals (systematic design, consistent communication, career tracks, performance management, transparency)
But lo and behold, my lack of energy caught up to me. (Lesson learned: even with all the optimism and excitement, I can do about 9-10 months of this)
My focus was waning, the consistency of my output was waning...
My focus was waning, the consistency of my output was waning...
Clearly I should have taken time off, but "I signed up for this, and I& #39;ll be damned if I don& #39;t deliver."
So I focused on hiring some of the smartest people I could find, and delegated as much work away from myself so I wouldn& #39;t be constantly context switching.
So I focused on hiring some of the smartest people I could find, and delegated as much work away from myself so I wouldn& #39;t be constantly context switching.
Whenever you delegate a lot of your work, there is often this great Y-split that you create. You can either:
(1) double down on new work, break open new scope.
(2) walk away.
I& #39;d done both at a smaller scale, but never truly walked away completely before.
(1) double down on new work, break open new scope.
(2) walk away.
I& #39;d done both at a smaller scale, but never truly walked away completely before.
And so there came this moment where I had the title, I had the seat, but diminished my role enough that either I had to pull a rabbit out of a hat of new scope, or take myself out the picture.
And I definitely did not have the energy to pull a rabbit out of a hat.
And I definitely did not have the energy to pull a rabbit out of a hat.
So a year ago, on this day, I had my first true day off in 15 years. A day without a company I ran, or a job I was responsible for.
And what did I do? A boat load of traveling, to distract myself from how deeply I had affected my energy and my brain.
And what did I do? A boat load of traveling, to distract myself from how deeply I had affected my energy and my brain.
It wasn& #39;t until I got back home in January that I forced myself to sit in quiet, and open up Pandora& #39;s box of burn-out like lackluster feelings, not wanting to get out of bed, not thing that anything is fun etc.
... and then the pandemic hit.
Which I just took as a hint to keep on doing nothing. And so every day I had my & #39;productivity-brain& #39; fighting my & #39;you-need-a-break-brain& #39;.
Every day it was "you should do something!" vs. "i don& #39;t want to do anything". For months.
Which I just took as a hint to keep on doing nothing. And so every day I had my & #39;productivity-brain& #39; fighting my & #39;you-need-a-break-brain& #39;.
Every day it was "you should do something!" vs. "i don& #39;t want to do anything". For months.
And really all I had to constantly tell myself was that I needed to allow myself to slide into this hole and trust to come out the other side with a clear mind.
Which... is a really stupidly hard thing to tell yourself.
Which... is a really stupidly hard thing to tell yourself.
Weekly therapy check-ins, calls with friends, some running on the west-side highway, and some basic structure kept my sanity alive. But that was about as much as I could muster in a day.
Until it became blatantly clear I should move all my shit back west.
Until it became blatantly clear I should move all my shit back west.
When I got back to SF, the two things that were a positive were:
(1) more daylight in my place than in New York,
(2) I could take my car whenever I wanted and just feel a sense of movement.
(1) more daylight in my place than in New York,
(2) I could take my car whenever I wanted and just feel a sense of movement.
And slowly but surely, even with a city in lockdown, with regular conversations with friends, and not asking too much of myself, I started wanting to do things again.
A great opportunity came along, so of course, I immediately jumped in to some work.
Upon reflection, this was too early, but we got an impressive amount of work done.
Upon reflection, this was too early, but we got an impressive amount of work done.
This was the first time I felt my optimism, focus and productivity come back. After nine months.
When that contract ended, it took a week for me to realize I finally accepted that it was okay for me not to work for a bit.
When that contract ended, it took a week for me to realize I finally accepted that it was okay for me not to work for a bit.
And as soon as I accepted that my mood shifted. I regained a lot of focus and energy in my personal life.
Which, in turn (patently obvious btw), started tickling my creative and technical brain again. So we were ten months in and my brain was finally kinda okay.
Which, in turn (patently obvious btw), started tickling my creative and technical brain again. So we were ten months in and my brain was finally kinda okay.
This got longwinded. We& #39;re at 12 months and a day, and while I don& #39;t feel that I want to jump in to something immediately, I have not felt this sharp and energized in about 3-4ish years.
For me, and I bet for many of you, there are these things in life that you know you & #39;should& #39; do, but you truly don& #39;t believe it until you do it.
Be it working out, managing your diet, meditating, managing your attention etc.
Be it working out, managing your diet, meditating, managing your attention etc.
And in this case, for me it was getting off of this career hamster wheel.
Because: with a little turbulence, you can always get back on.
Because: with a little turbulence, you can always get back on.
Times are crazy, and it& #39;s a cliché to say this now. There is macro-level stress, day-to-day life is completely messed up, and on top of that you& #39;re too fucking many (video) calls all day long.
I know so much of this comes from a point of privilege, but I will say: if you have the opportunity to protect your time, if you have the opportunity to take a long stint of time off, especially after so many years of work, please consider it.
Plan it out, budget it, learn how much it will affect your retirement, all those things. But truly consider it.
Because in all of us lies this low-level stress that we can manage and manage and manage until we can& #39;t.
It& #39;s like dehydration for your energy: when you figure out you& #39;re thirsty, it& #39;s way too late.
It& #39;s like dehydration for your energy: when you figure out you& #39;re thirsty, it& #39;s way too late.
This thread is way too long (yay freewriting).
If you made it here, thank you for your time and attention.
If you want to talk more about this: my DMs are open.
If you made it here, thank you for your time and attention.
If you want to talk more about this: my DMs are open.
Sidebar: here’s my dog’s reaction to my furiously focused typing away on my laptop for 32 mins.
Totally reasonable.
Totally reasonable.
