October is Domestic Violence Awareness month. Domestic violence does not discriminate; it exists amongst every single community, race, religion, nationality etc.

Domestic violence played a major part in not only my childhood but also past adult relationships.

I hate the idea that one has to suffer trauma to be the person they are, but it is what it is and being a survivor has made me who I am today

one of the things I struggle with in particular is being put on a pedestal. I don’t know if I’ll be able to articulate this one, but a past relationship in particular I was in I was with this guy who was used to doing all the fxck ups all throughout our relationship

he was always the one caught slipping, doing something stupid, flirting with someone, looking at somebody, etc. But the MOMENT I made one mistake (which actually wasn’t one at all, he manipulated me into believing it was) he used it as a reason to treat me like TRASH, constantly

so in that relationship no matter what I did or said, nothing I had ever done was good enough because the moment I wasn’t *perfect* anymore I was useless, worthless, not good enough. not worthy of respect anymore. I was tainted, damaged goods at that point

I felt trapped in this because when a relationship becomes emotionally manipulative it’s NEVER like that in the beginning! The beginning is always a whirlwind, it’s amazing, it’s fun, it’s trusting. that person gets you to fall for them and then eventually weaponizes it

so anyway, I said all of that today because now, even at 33 years old, I still make the effort to work through some of the aftermath of experiencing this for basically the majority of not only my upbringing but also crucial points of my adult life

like when I did this video and sooo many people (meaning well of course) commented “you don’t fit into the beauty community because you are the beauty community!” and I couldn’t quite put my finger on why that made me uncomfortable

But recently I realized it’s because that standard is unrealistic...there are certain trigger words or feelings that can emotionally put me right back to some of the most traumatizing parts of my life. it’s the whole, pedestal “Jackie Aina can do no wrong thing” that triggers me