Reflecting this morning on what I’m doing with my life and why I do anything

I’ve kept myself stupid busy for the last six months or so

I’m scaling my publishing business and launching a new one that’s eating 80% of my time

I don’t know why, it’s neurotic unexplained drive

Hanging out with my estranged family on my dad’s side these last four weeks has been really interesting and enlightening

I see the same trait in many of my relatives

But they’re all in their late 40s and haven’t solved the same listless pushing I grapple with

This is both concerning and comforting

Concerning because it suggests I might not be able to settle the same longing that they couldn’t

Comforting because I can see it’s partially genetic and it makes me feel less weird and lost for feeling some of the things I feel

It makes me twitchy that despite hitting the road for an adventure I’m still doing exactly the things I would have done had I stayed in Portland

Just working all the time

Not sure if good or bad

Does this satisfy my real goals?

And is the pushing for arbitrary interesting goals that catch my attention just a distraction from paying attention to my True Will?

Maybe the frenzied undirected energy is the thing

Maybe the questioning is the only issue

Moving again tomorrow with no destination in mind. Going further South into the desert, away from friendly support and comfort

Mixed feels about this too

I don’t like the pull of the comfortable and familiar

I get bored; feel stuck

But I get lonely questing

The tension between reassuring and familiar comfort and the hunger to push harder, range further creates dissonance and frustration

I dislike it

And yet I keep diving into it and looking over my shoulder as I do

I hate the competing emotional pulls

Vaguely suspicious that there’s never going to be anything I find out there that I don’t have right at this moment

But I don’t know how to accept and integrate this and be at peace

Why do anything?

And then you do everything because what else is there to do

I was thinking last night about how this applies to my romantic life too

I always say I wanna date people

But I can’t actually imagine how another person REALLY fits into my life right now

There’s no model I can think of that sounds appealing

Concerning

Maybe the reason I can’t find anyone I really want to date is that I don’t really want a romantic relationship

Not right now anyway

Ahhh TFW when you realize you don’t know anything

Everything is swirling confusion and it’s annoying

Moody Monday

Still don’t know what I want

Maybe never will

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